I (f, 28) have been with my boyfriend (m, 31) for a little over three years, and aside from this issue, our relationship is genuinely great. I’m a very harmony-driven person and try to avoid conflicts through open communication, which has always worked well for us.

A little background on us: He comes from a stable and loving family (though his parents are quite… unique), whereas my past is more complicated. My parents divorced early in my life, which was accompanied by a lot of drama that still affects me today. My dad has a new family where I don’t feel welcome or included at all. My mom doesn’t care much for Christmas, and one attempt to celebrate with her and my grandma ended with my mom drunk by the afternoon and everything spiraling into chaos.

For the past three years, I’ve spent Christmas alone while my boyfriend celebrated with his family. I used to sometimes go to my best friend’s, but that’s no longer an option because she now celebrates with her boyfriend and his family. So during Christmas, I’m completely alone, and it’s an incredibly tough time for me.

Last year, my boyfriend noticed how much this situation was affecting me (I cried a lot over three days), but he didn’t say much about it. He typically leaves for his family around December 20th and doesn’t come back until just before New Year’s Eve. I’ve never been invited to join his family celebrations, and when I recently asked if he could come home on the second day of Christmas so we could celebrate a little together, he casually said “no.” That really hurt me, and I told him how hard these days are for me.

His response was that he was annoyed by my request and accused me of ruining his Christmas with his family. He thinks that Christmas should be celebrated separately until we have children of our own. He also mentioned that even his brother’s girlfriend doesn’t join their celebrations, so I wouldn’t “fit into the dynamic.” To him, it’s just the “way his family works.” He also told me that since it’s only mid-November, I still have time to figure out how not to sit at home alone again. He even suggested I try celebrating with my mom again, though my mom has made it clear she’s not interested.

I told him through tears how much Christmas affects me and how much it would mean if he could include me more or at least show some understanding. His reaction was dismissive, as if I was only saying it to manipulate him.

Now, with Christmas approaching again, I’m wondering: How am I handling the whole situation for this approaching Christmas? I won’t be invited by him or his family, and it hurts that he doesn’t even see me as a part of his family. How is this supposed to work in the future? Right now, it makes me questioning the entire relationship..