We were round my cousin’s house and just drinking and having a good time. She went to the bathroom and I can’t remember exactly how the conversation even came up, but they asked whether I missed my ex. I said no, but I did miss the sex.

My ex stayed with me during really tough times and we have 5 kids together. For that reason alone, I will always have love for her, but we just don’t work together as a couple. In theory, the sex with my current wife is better. She’s into a lot of the things I am, and she’s always open to trying new stuff. However, I just know sex isn’t important to her like it is to me. I initiate 99% of the time, and she never refuses, but it’s not the same kinda passion I had with my ex and that’s what I miss. Overall though, I’m much happier with her, and we have the better relationship by a mile.

Anyway, I wasn’t aware my wife heard this at the time (obviously), and she seemed off when she came back. She just said she was tired and wanted to go home, but I could stay if I wanted (we live about 15 minutes away). I said no, let’s go home together. Ride home was silent. Going to bed was silent. I asked her if she was okay and she again said she was tired. The next day I woke up to her crying in the bathroom. She then told me what she heard and told me how I was going to leave her for my ex.

I was devastated because this just isn’t true. She has said in the past that she feels insecure about my relationship with my ex as we were together for 15 years and have so many kids together. We’ve been together for 3 years, and I always try to make her know that that is irrelevant. I love her, and she is the focus of my life as well as my kids. Of course, this whole thing has just made things 100x worse and I have no idea how to fix it.

This was a week ago and things are still tense. I told her my reasons as to why I said the sex was better with my ex. She had done nothing wrong and I probably phrased it wrong (I did phrase it wrong). She also explained that sex just isn’t important to her hence why she seldom initiates but she never knew it affected me. I was her first real relationship so it’s understandable that these things didn’t immediately come to mind.

She says she will “do better” but this just makes me feel worse for some reason. Sex isn’t everything and I want her to see that the love I have for her is. I feel like the damage I did that night is irreparable as I can see the difference in her. How do I fix this?

Tl;dr: Wife feels incredibly insecure after overhearing a conversation where I clumsily said that I prefer sex with my ex.