My husband had a sick day last week. He’s been crazy busy and crazy stressed at work for the last four or five months and the project is over and the money is in and he is finally getting some down time.

Predictably, he had a day last week where he was sick. Couldn’t sleep the night before, said he felt like he had a fever before taking the kid to school. Came home and took a shower to try to shake it off and just couldn’t. Went to bed for the day. Slept a long time. All day. Probably 18 hours by the time it was all over.

During that shower he left his clothes in the bathroom floor. I found them when I went into do the kid’s bath that night. They’d been there all day.

This happens once a week. We’ve had lots of conversations about how it makes me feel. It creates the expectation that I’m supposed to pick up after him, that he gets privileges other people in our household don’t, and it’s a bad example for our kid. I refuse to raise a son who thinks it’s a woman’s responsibility to pick up after a man.

I went into our room where he was awake and reading. I told him that I’d found his clothes in the floor, and how that made me feel frustrated and unappreciated. I told him that it bothered me that I have to have this conversation once a week.

He refused to apologize for leaving his clothes in the floor. All he would say was “I’m sorry that I’ve been sick today and I recognize that puts a burden on you.”

And then he went back to sleep. He never moved a muscle. Never told me that he’d change his behavior, or apologized for leaving the mess in the bathroom floor.

Fast forward to tonight, he told me that he’d paid off my car and moved the car insurance from my account to his.

I said, “I appreciate that. Thank you.”

And he said “that’s all I’m asking for is some gratitude, and I’d like that to manifest in less bitching.”

When I asked what he meant, he was very specific about being upset about the way I’d talked to him when he was sick.

I realize I have not been a very good wife to my husband. I realize that I have a lot of work to do and I am making honest attempts to be more connected to him.

But I have yet to find a way to address his behavior and get him to meet me halfway. The efforts that I make to get him to respect me get me accused of bitching a week later and told that I’m supposed to show gratitude. He doesn’t take responsibility and refuses to make commitments he can be held accountable for.

How can I communicate with him in a way that he understands and brings us closer to a shared vision for our household?

I’m at a loss and would appreciate your advice.