For reference we’ve been dating for four months. Shes not a shy person really in general but somehow when it comes to the relationship she is sometimes. Specifically physical intimacy of any kind. And I know y’all are gonna say “ bro that’s not your girlfriend if you haven’t been intimate” or whatever but look. What’s in this letter is the worst parts of it. She seems like she’s really trying when I talk about it but it never really changes. She was fine with cuddling on the first date. But that’s all that happened. And then the same the next date. Then I asked about sex if she’s waiting till marraige ( I just assumed she was different things about her behavior suggested that) and she said yes. Since then we’ve gone on a lot of dates but we hadn’t kissed until last week which is about four months in. I told her before I want to kiss her and be more physically close and then when we met up she just kissed me when we were leaving. So I know she’s trying and honestly my lack of initiative might be the biggest problem. But still there’s not nothing to the fact that she doesn’t push me away. For example I gently stroked her face one night when we were cuddling in the back seat of the car after a dinner date, and she kind of leaned away and said what are you doing. I asked her later if she didn’t like it and she said I was wierded out I wasn’t expecting you to touch my face. And once something like that happens I won’t try again. I know probably none of this is a normal relationship but it’s my first so I’m trying my best to not push her. Maybe I need to more. But I feel like she should want to more. I’ve tried talking about all these things but it’s never really gotten anywhere. She’ll just deny it, give a short answer or change the subject. And then recently she’s started alluding to getting married. Like everything’s great and she could see us getting married. Anyways this is what I wrote:

When I first talked to you I was scared. You seemed to good to be true. The first time I met you in person I don’t even know how to explain what I felt. I was probably the happiest I’ve ever been. For the next few days I was the happiest I’ve ever been. I felt like you were the perfect person I dreamed of. I felt like I wasn’t really looking for anyone and you just dropped into my life and I don’t ever want you to leave. Of course I wanted to find a woman, but I wasn’t rushed about it and I wanted to find the right one. And next thing I know there you were. That first night I just wanted to cuddle with you in the car all night. I could stay there forever. But it seemed like it bothered you. You weren’t comfortable with me. And I thought it was probably just too soon. It was only our first date. So I was willing to wait for you to come around. The more we hung out and the more we talked the more i liked you. You told me you love me and want me to be with you forever. That surprised me and took me back. I still felt like we barely knew each other. But I still loved it. But I thought you would start showing it more becoming more comfortable and open. And we did. Don’t get me wrong we’ve come a long way and I feel like we’re much closer to each other and more open but there’s still a wall between us. There’s some kind of barrier that I don’t know what it is. I feel like I’m very open with you about things I feel about the relationship but sometimes you’re closed off. You move past it or change the subject. Specifically about the relationship. And I know you’ve talked about you’re adhd which makes it hard for you to focus and I completely understand that. That can happen to me sometimes to. You talk about your dad, and your emotions and feelings about that and that’s great. I love listening to you and being there for you. I love that you trusted me enough to tell me about you wanting hurting yourself and I want to be that person that you know you can go to about literally anything and all you will get is understanding and someone to listen to you, and hopefully solutions, but at least knowing that i will never be condescending about anything. And I don’t ever want to break that trust. If there’s something I need to say, that I think you’re wrong about something, or anything like that, then it only be out of love and care for you. I want to always be able to talk about the relationship about where it’s going and ways we can make it better for both of us. But I need you to have feeedback, otherwise it’s pointless. I need you to do the same for me. You’ve said there’s things about me but you will never say them. That stuck with me. I need to be close to you physically emotionally, etc, but instead I feel like you push me away. To me your priorities aren’t right. You’re talking about us getting married but we’re still hiding our phones from each other. I touch you and you push me away. I want it to be if I gently stroke your face you won’t push me away but love it and share the same kind of physical affection to me. But you might not be ready for that. Maybe you don’t feel close enough to me. And if that’s the case then I wish so much that you felt like you could be honest with me. But if you will never want me touching you I need you to tell me that. If you will never want to be physically close then I need you to tell me that. If you’ll never want sex I need you to tell me that. I need to know your boundaries because you’ve put up enough boundaries now that I don’t know what will scare you off. I want to give myself to you 100% and you do the same. Right now I feel like I need constant reassurance that you still love me, because the major parts of a loving relationship are missing in this one. It’s partly me I know , because I don’t push if you have boundaries I won’t go past that. If you say no I will never do it. We need to be able to talk about the relationship without arguing. We’re not always going to agree and that’s normal. But we can’t keep avoiding things. The other night you said I seemed emotionless when I was with you. That night when I was going to see you I was so happy to get to see you and couldn’t wait, and then you said something about controlling me. That completely shut me down. I was very turned away by that and bothered by it, but I knew it was the only time I would get to see you so I tried to just shut it off. Because I still love you no matter what you say and I will never give up on you, just because you mess up as long as you’re willing to talk it out. So thats why i seemed emotionless. And it’s a similar reason probably any other time i seem that way. I’m scared to show my emotions cause i dont know how you will react. I have a lot of emotions, but I don’t share them like I would because sometimes I don’t know how, and sometimes when I do know how, at least the way I know how, I feel like you would not like it. But you can’t shut me out I need you to be open and honest with me. If im going to wait until marriage to be intimate with you then I’m gonna need 100 times more reassurance in every other aspect of the relationship. I need to know your boundaries what you will do what you won’t. I need to know why you’re waiting. Is it religious beliefs, is it really just that you’re scared (which I completely understand if that’s all it is) but if that’s what it is then you have to be willing to try it eventually for me. That’s a huge part of a relationship to me. And I don’t think I can marry someone without that first. I’m committing to being with you until death do us part and that’s a very serious thing. You can’t break that vow ever. And I don’t think I could make that vow without knowing a person inside and out, having gone through struggles with them, working things out, talking about our beliefs and how we see different things, living together, talking about how we would raise children, if we would have children and not without having been intimate with them. I know this is a lot, but just know this: I will never give up on you because you mess up or you say something wrong to me, or you hurt me, as long as you are willing to talk about it. And you are able to try to understand me and get to know how I think about things. And that’s hard because sometimes I feel like I don’t know myself. I’m still young and growing up. But we have to be able to communicate with each other and that’s hard for me. And the only way it won’t be is if I feel like you are opening that door for me. If you threaten to hang up on me or shut me out or shut down then it puts a gap in our relationship, and eventually that gap will be to big. Communication is the only way to close that gap. I love you so much (her name) you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I will always love you. I love that you care about me, I live for the moments when you’re being sweet to me. I love that you don’t get mad at me when I’m depressed but you try to have empathy. But it’s not ok for me to be that way. And ive showed a lot of my bad sides to you and you didn’t get mad or get turned away. A lot of times i feel like we’re so similar. Sometimes you say something and I just stop and look because it’s literally something I would have said word for word. I’m not perfect but I want to be better for you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I love you so much I would literally die for you. And you’re the prettiest girl in the world I want you and only you I love you always.

Tl;dr: I want feedback on a letter to my girlfriend if you can’t read the whole thing it’s ok not worth the time