I’ll start with context to our relationship. I am recently divorced, he’s always been single. We matched on hinge about a year ago and immediately hit it off: amazing sex, good conversation and lots in common like sense of humor, food preferences, and childhood trauma. I am very picky about who I date and find it difficult in general, so he immediately felt special.

Less than a month in something awful happened. After a night together at my place I accused him of stealing $100 from a holiday card I had left out, or so I thought, after I had thrown it away accidentally when going through mail (I discovered the money in the trash later). When I initially found it missing, I thought had taken it as a joke, so when I asked him on the phone if he had taken it, he immediately took offense, which I took as an admission of guilt. From there it got out of control. It was horrible: I threatened to tell his family and friends and even employer that he stole $100 from me. This isn’t even something I do, or believe in doing! To make it worse, at the time he was badly struggling with his career and mental health, so I can only imagine how much stress that put him under. When I found the money I apologized profusely (straight up groveling) and began the path to deleting toxic behavior and thinking in myself.

My overreaction and immediate blame of him was a big, big learning opportunity to me. I learned I couldn’t treat him, or anyone, like my abusive (which made me abusive back) ex. It’s been humbling and wonderful for me to become a better person because of that experience, but it also very challenging to break old ways of thinking. My ex was a serial cheater and liar, and I stayed with him for 8 years. He always found some way to reel me back in until he didn’t want me anymore. Regardless, I feel like going through that experience has made me have this 6th sense when it comes to cheating.

So back to the man (32M). Other than that event, it’s been ok. And the real pickle I’ve found myself in is that I’ve fallen in love with him. Not for what he does for me, but just for who he is. I wish I could make his life easier and give him comfort. I am always telling him to be nicer to himself and to take care of himself etc. - pushing him in the way of healthier thinking and living. I imagine us building a healthier life together.

This is where the red flags begin: he’s expressed he doesn’t want a relationship at certain points, the last time about 6 months ago. I haven’t brought it up or questioned it since but of course continued to see him. We’ve also talked about me continuing to date. He’s said I need to use condoms if I have sex with other people, which I’ve done. He’s shown jealously when I talked about other folks, so I stopped doing that. And eventually, I couldn’t bear it anyway, because it felt like cheating on him. So for the last 3 months I’ve only seen him.

So to recap, because I think this might be confusing: I have dated others (with his permission) and so far he’s said he hasn’t been with anyone but me since meeting me. The problem is that I don’t buy it. We both play Pokémon go and he often trades me Pokémon caught in a specific town that I know he doesn’t have work nor business in. I just looked at the last Pokémon he traded me from there, on 10/22, a day he just wasn’t texting back. I just have this feeling based on how my ex treated me that he’s doing the same. Or at least, seeing someone else.

However! My ex and I were actually dating and eventually married. He and I are not, but I would love to be. Is it my place to ask if he’s seeing someone else? Do you have any other general advice on how to navigate this situation I’ve gotten myself into? It’s honestly completely soul crushing; I love him but I can only have him at an arm’s length. I feel like I can’t move on (and also don’t want to, because I love him).

On top of all this I feel like he wouldn’t be honest. I don’t know if that is from residual trauma from my ex or if it is the truth. My judgement feels so clouded by never having a healthy relationship. I know all the cliches like “you need to love yourself first” etc.; and I do love myself. I just find dating and connection so difficult that I feel like I can’t let go of him and whatever it is we have. He makes me so happy when we’re together, and it must be somewhat reciprocal if he’s stuck around, so I don’t know what to do but give in to the sunk cost fallacy at this point.