Recently, my(24F) partner(31M) of 5 years opened up about wanting a threesome/having a third person in our relationship. I’m very open to this stuff and being bi/pan helps id say. I also told him I’m open to him seeing other people since I think it’s hot. Only thing is I’ve been having some weird feelings about the situation and not sure how to bring it up.

It only dawned to me recently this might be a childhood trauma thing. He was molested by two of his girl cousins at a young age(they would molest him together simultaneously). So I feel like maybe this is his way of sort of reclaiming that feeling/event. He had a bipolar episode a year or two ago and he kept mentioning how he “had a dream about this event and realized it was a flashback” sort of weird thing that only happens in the movies. I don’t doubt that the trauma happened however I do doubt the way he remembered happened but it’s not that important to me how he recalled it. Anyways, I had asked him to go to therapy because he was very manic and then would become very depressed and it was very hard to deal with especially when he would get angry. He sort of still has beliefs from this episode that lingered however he has gotten better. Not with help of therapy or medication. He struggles with quitting weed even when he does try to stop for his own reasons. Anyways, all of this has left a bad taste in my mouth already so I did initially feel like our relationship wasn’t super healthy for us to even bring in anyone else. Especially considering he hasn’t been to therapy and his anger issues lingered after his first episode(he was never the angry time beforehand).

Now, since this has happened I don’t really care so much that he’s been on multiple dating apps and talking to other people and not giving me as much attention. He still does the minimum for me which is helping with chores and helping errands and money. The thing is he is paying for premium memberships and all the gizmos these apps offer. I know for guys, dating apps can be trickier to use than it is for women. He says it’s all really for the ego boost which tbh has been such a turn off for me. Which I don’t really understand why. We all pay for “ego boosts” whether that’s in the clothes or makeup we wear or fancy cars or whatever it is. And even though he claims he’s not desperate but has standards- it still comes off super desperate to me how excited he gets when there’s a match. I don’t know if it’s jealousy or if it’s cause I see just how low his self esteem is. Sure, he is not the most attractive and I think my attraction towards him and how I am has built him up some- especially his past sexual experiences and relationships (a lot of pretty women), I was surprised by how low his self esteem was. That is definitely a turn off for me. But I don’t know how to bring this up because I don’t want him to feel like this is not something I’m interested in. I do think it’s not the right time. I don’t think he is actually even capable of having a healthy relationship with someone else (even if I’m not in the picture). And it’s made me have doubts of our relationship and what it’s actually built on. Is it love or is it because I bring him some sort of validation?

I feel like I might just stick it out until I am able to move out (I have tons of debt and credit score sucks). Last time I had ended things with him, my apartment got broken into while I was there alone and it traumatized me too. I do still love him and have feelings for him but this experience changed the way I see him. Ultimately, I don’t think he’s someone I will be with for much longer.

Just for some more information: the threesome and third situation is a non-negotiable for him. There’s really no way for me to back out (even just putting it on hold) without the relationship ending. I do think it will end but thinking just financially for both of us- it’s not the right move. I do not think the way he is trying to do polyamory is ethical (by ENM standards) and I don’t think he is a good candidate for that anyways (at least not until he gets therapy). He also told me he would only sleep with people who could provide a test but i know him and I know his idea of “a test” could be the fact that they’re young. I told him either he’s using condoms with them or with me but he’s not going in raw for both. He hasn’t found anyone who’s interested like that (dating or fwb) but I think once he does I’ll be buying condoms.

He very recently last week got fired from his job because he has a lot of issues with his coworkers and that anger came up again.

I’m really disappointed in him and although I can afford rent and groceries alone, there’s some things he helps me with outside of money that helps me actually save a lot of money. Without him I would be living paycheck to paycheck (and unable to save to move out). So I do need him there at least until I’m done paying off my debt. As messed up as that sounds. Or should I just be honest about how I really feel about the situation? And if so, how do I do that without coming off as a liar or like a bitch? I am normally brutally honest and sometimes mean so I don’t think the way I phrased it on here would be a good way. Especially because of his current mental state: angry, angry because he lost his job but also happy he lost his job.