TL;Dr: Since the beginning of the relationship, it's been hard on me that he can't say anything good about me, or make me feel seen as a person. Things are mostly good otherwise, but I'm struggling with the lack of validation.

Posting on a throwaway, because I don't want this connected to the rest of my post history.

Long version: Starting with the mandatory "things are great for the most part". I fell in love and pursued him, and I'm still very much in love with him. He's very committed in the sense that he moved to a new country to live with me, and he's generous with sharing household expenses to make my life easier even though my income is currently lower than his. He's autistic and had no relationship experience when we met so he's struggling with many of the most basic things but he has tried hard over the years to become a better partner. He's cuddly and can show love with hugs and physical touch, which helps a lot, even though it's not always enough. We're also going to couple's counselling now, at my initiative but he's taking it seriously and it's helping a lot.

But one thing that remains is that he can't say anything nice about me. It's gotten better there too, yes - after several years, he got to a point where he could sometimes say something like "you have a nice body", and he said that he loved me a few times for a while. And he can show with body language that he's attracted to me, which he couldn't in the first years. So that's something, but for me, it's not enough.

He can't name anything that he likes about me. If I ask him to, he says he can't because I asked. If I don't ask, he just doesn't think about it. If I ask again, it can be months in-between, he says he can't right then because I asked and that put him in a bad mood.

It shouldn't be that hard. I share his humour and wit, and we often laugh together. I do most of the cooking and household chores, and I do it well. I keep what he likes in mind and constantly do loving things for him, to make him happy. I buy him gifts, I make sure things in the home are the way he likes, I help him with things that he struggles with and keeps procrastinating. I'm fit and in shape, with a nice figure (though athletic with a humble B-cup, which he has made hurtful comments about in the past) and conventionally attractive face. I lift, support and encourage him, and make sure that he knows that I believe in him. I listen to him, whether it's about work or a hobby or he needs to vent about something emotional. I'm very attracted to him, constantly validate him in that sense too and am a very enthusiastic sex partner. I've put effort into getting to know his family and his friends. I'm also a skilled and competent person in a lot of areas, have achieved a lot and have interesting stories, if only he would care to listen and to get to know me as a person.

And so on. It shouldn't be hard. But it's like none of it matters, like none of it is worth anything to him. When trying to think of something that is good about me, it's just blank and he panics and can't think of anything at all. He very rarely even tells me that he likes me.

Most of the time, I can tell myself that he probably does love and appreciate me, he just struggles to put words on it. But then he says something clumsy and hurtful that completely contradicts that view, and it's harder to tell myself that it's just a misunderstanding because I don't have his words to back up the positive view. So then I end up thinking, maybe the words that come out of his mouth are the actual truth?

Most of the time, I can just push these needs of mine down and not think about it too much, and then we're very cute and happy together. But now and then, it comes to the surface and causes a bit of a crisis, where I'm more vulnerable, try to talk about it, get nowhere and just get more sad... Until I once again manage to suppress it and things seem good again.

Despite couple's counselling, this has not gotten better. I try to bring up the topic, and he just says that he can't.

Last night I asked him if he thinks this will ever change, and he said he doesn't think it will.

And I'm torn. A part of me wants to distance myself in my hurt, but I know that just amplifies the hurt and whenever I give in to that impulse, I'm always the one to come crawling back first because I can't stand it. It never makes him try to fix things, he just waits it out. And another part of me wants to be my usual loving self and act like everything is good but... That also makes me sad because my needs are unmet, he knows that and does nothing about it but still gets everything he wants (but doesn't appreciate) while I silently suffer.

Help?

It's not bad enough to end the relationship over. It might have been, but other things have improved a lot so now it isn't any more. But I still don't like the thought of living the rest of my life in this hurtful back and forth where I'll never really feel seen or valued.