She made me feel that love should only be given when I asked for it, even when I told her that asking made me feel like begging. She didn’t care and in most times she barely gave me what I wanted anyways.

We’re long distance and this is…was my first relationship. I knew walking in to this, communication and sacrifice would be the hardest. I took a month of working out communication, boundaries, fears- but maybe I was too distracted by her laugh and our future talks to think of the right questions.

I hated long distance, I hated the yearning and the wanting to be near so much. My heart bled in dark thoughts and wanting all the time. She didn’t make it easier either. She was always gone. Too busy and wouldn’t tell me her schedule or ignored me when I asked if I could just sit on call…to be near her is all I needed.

I tried to cope, I really did. I filled up my days with my friends, family, sleeping- And those days felt amazing and I would go home to tell her all about it and she’d laugh and listen (hours later ofc).

Though I guess she resented me doing that cause when I told her the reasons I wrote down about why we should break up and the reasons why I was hurt, there was only 2 things she angrily told me.

1) That I was busy too, case in point my friends and family. I told her that I always offered days, hours, weekends, ideas, anything to her- and she always ALWAYS ignored or forgot about them. She ignored my answer too.

2) That I always made her love for me incompatible to my love for her.

And I uh…Well I didn’t know how to respond. She ranted about how she thought of me all the time, about our future, blah blah blah-

But I sat there, thankful- for the first time ever- for the distance. Because if I was there? I would’ve screamed at her.

That “You’ve never shown your love for me without me asking, that’s not love and it’s the not the love I will settle for just to be your girlfriend- not even near you- just the title that’s worth nothing to me without you, you idiot. All I’ve wanted was you, all I needed was your love.

You tell me you love me but never show it. You tell me you don’t show it because you don’t want to bother me- I tell you it’s okay, I prove it by telling you I love you any chance I can. Because even if I’m scared of being annoying or too much, I will never make sure my fear is more than my love.

You tell me you don’t because you’re too busy but I know your schedule. I know your favorite activities and how you used to invite me along to them but now don’t. You used to show your love all the time, so don’t tell me you can’t, just say you won’t or need a break or need time- but ignoring me and not trusting me enough to be vulnerable when I tell you everything even though you know my fears- I do it scared for you, I do it for you always and that was never a choice I hesitated on.

You say you loved me-

But then why didn’t you text me? Why did you always ignore me? Why did you make me feel more like a dog waiting for you than a lover? Why didn’t you try with our calls- And dont tell me you didn’t because on the 3rd time you tried to reschedule the calls it was because you purposely made plans with a friend which they told me how happy they were to hang out with you that day-

I told you “Don’t worry about weekly calling anymore because they’ve lost their value and I feel like I’m begging for them” and YOU- You stupid stupid idiot says “Okay! I’ll call you some day, Facts.” You-…I swear my hair stylist or therapist will have you on speed dial soon.

The moment I forgot why I’ve been trying for this relationship, is the moment I knew I needed to end it.

She didn’t- no couldn’t even realize why I was angry, why hearing “Yeah I probably don’t love you as much as you love me” hurt, why I could tell when she was upset but she couldn’t even call me when I told her “I need you right now, just for a moment”.

When she said that she felt like her love wasn’t enough for me, I felt words and bile come up my throat.

“What love?” “Why don’t you talk to me” “I need you so much” “I just wanted to plan a virtual date- I’ve never gone on a date, please let me call you.” “Why does this feel like a friendship with a title?” “You aren’t enough and I keep telling you what I need, and you don’t choose to listen”

But I swallow everything down and say “I’m not saying that your love isn’t enough but right now the distance is killing me.”

We’re friends now. She tried to make promises that she made before and I let the tears wash away the last bit of respect that had been broken along with those promises many times before. I held my stance. I kept in things I wanted to call her out for. Let the angry and hurt breathe with me.

I wanted to be near her still, I still love her, her friends that have digitally hugged me along with her and are sweetly doting on me, I love the environment I have with them and although it’s awkward between me and her right now…

The cat videos and couple texts I’ve sent have erased that awkwardness just a tad bit. Thank you cats.

I feel like I now understand that one quote that goes “I love you too…but I shouldn’t have married you.” I’m reeling from the break up but I’m smiling because resentment towards her died the moment our relationship did.

I think that’s my unconditional love’s gift to her, I adore her but have zero intention of getting back with someone who taught me what I don’t need. I love my dreamer, but I’m not the lover that will bring her back to reality. I always loved our dreams more than our relationship anyways. I’m glad we can be friends, nothing more and nothing less.

I think I just needed to vent, I’m sorry yall for the length.

Any advice for self loving tips will help, movies and baths are my go tos right now (if yall have any movie recommendations let me know).

Any advice on boundaries I should have in the future with my ex, I will appreciate as well!! I know I’ll have the red flag of being friends with my ex. Sigh, Anyways, I read all of my comments so uh…Thank you for listening, love yall! Good night or good morning/afternoon.