Note, this situation involves historical financial/emotional control, property, debt, and a couple of pets

Background

M43, F49, both Scottish and living here.  We met in 2001 and married abroad in USA in 2008.  No kids, two pets, a joint-owned house and around £30k debt.  When we bought our property we agreed if we ever split ways then we'd split everything 50/50 - this was a verbal agreement.  At time of purchase, she then joked 'thats you signed your life away' - 20-odd years later I feel this has indeed been the case.  It's worth noting there is a written agreement that my parents will receive a £30k loan back which they provided as a deposit for house, should there be a breakdown in relationship and resulting sale of property.

From my perspective, there is now no love left, we are just existing/tolerating each other.  Unfortunately she has previously been financially controlling across a number of years, up until just before Covid when we had an argument and I threatened to leave unless I could get more control over my own money (wasn't even 'allowed' to use a bank card or apple pay up until that point - had to use cash, given to me (fiver a day 'lunch money' or instructed to lift from an ATM).  So things haven't been great.

I got control of my money (though she still does the budgeting and totalling up what we can and can't afford in a month, and I don't mind that but she's reluctant to 'let' me do this on any given month.  Yes I contributed to some of the debt we have amassed (not solely me, but a good chunk of it was me and it's been silly impulse purchases of clothes etc).

I feel more financially aware now - but I'm no expert.  I'm aware it's also now illegal for her to control my income, and this no longer happens, thankfully - until today when I mentioned I was buying new swimming shorts (which I need since the drying machine broke the drawstring on my current pair) at £25.  She went into a strop because 'Christmas is coming up and I'm being selfish' - I feel this is still an element of emotional/financial control.  I'm right at my wits end with it and hoping to see out Christmas and then I plan to split up/separate in the new year.

She remains very passive aggressive, confrontational, and (in my opinion) very bitter about the slightest things.  There has been lots of verbal abuse thrown at me over the years, but never actual violence.  The verbal abuse has lessened lots since our pre-covid argument and in fact today it rarely happens. I am not the type to retaliate either - I'm a nice guy (this is probably a weakness of mine, perhaps I'm too nice?).  The bitterness and 'nippiness' hasn't really gone away.  Her and her family are incredibly judgemental of other people, her sister too who'd judge what you're wearing within 5 seconds of seeing you via a 'death stare'. She is regularly a visitor at our house, so the environment is really not good.  I was 'under the thumb' for a considerable period, even on Facebook her 'favourite quote' for a long time showed as "<my name>, can you get me..." since I more or less waited on her hand and foot and I'd get emotional abuse if I didn't.

We are both working full time with a reasonable degree of career success, both hybrid working (once per week in office).  

There is not much happiness or joy in our lives except for the love of our pets.  I am looking to end our marriage as I just don't have feelings for her any more.  I feel bad saying this but at the same time I feel trapped in this relationship because it's been very long term and I've no idea the impact that ending it will have.  I am just really fearful of the resulting impact on myself, her, and the wider family and our friends.  

In fact, most of my old school friends have moved away or are in other long term relationships and I don't regularly see them.  Most of my friends are from her circle of friends, so I feel that's a major disadvantage of splitting up would be the potential loneliness.

In addition, we recently joined a gym (joint membership on a 12 month contract, which she barely uses).  I'm there 3/4 times per week. I've lost weight and feel great, feel reasonably more body-confident and admittedly much more horny (I'm also getting looks in the gym, in a good way lol) - a few people have told me I'm looking great since I first joined. 

However, we have a very dead bedroom, and I just don't feel like I want to have sex with her.  It's been at least 4 years since we last did it.  I also feel her personal hygiene in all areas is lacking, but heaven-forbid what could happen if I comment on it.  She has been my only sexual partner and I am increasingly desiring sex with other people (not done yet, but getting close to this to be honest).

I am thinking the above situation coupled with my recent boost in confidence/looks has boosted my craving for a single life.

Some facts below:

Joint Assets:

1 property, mortgaged with £75k remaining.  Current value circa £150k, around same as original purchase price - will be lucky to make profit on it.  Need to remember £30k will go to my parents.

1 car on PCP deal, in her name but would most likely be considered a joint asset, most mileage is hers, but I do drive it on occasion (around 3/4 times per week, small mileage)

Debt:

Mainly Credit cards in my name (around £20k), £10k in her name which is an old debt consolidation loan and  a couple of hire purchase agreements.

My credit rating is 'excellent' and hers is 'good' but I've recently been knocked back for further consolidation loans and 0% balance transfers due to too much debt and it's being considered higher risk for the lenders.

Income per calendar month:

• Me: £2500
• Her: £1600 

Not left with much after budgeting for Mortgage, Car, credit card bills, loan, Utilities/Insurance, commuting expenses, food, etc.  All bills including debts remain paid on time and never late.

Options

There are a couple of options on the table for me:

• Option 1:  Given there is circa 12 years left on mortgage, continue as normal, no hope for a 'better life.  Consider options when mortgage is paid off.
• Option 2:  Split in the new year.  I'm in Scotland, and we'd need then to live together as 'separated' (so probably sleeping in different beds, taking turns in bathroom etc).  Once the year is out, we'd have hopefully worked out what we're doing with the debt we amassed, the car, the house, and, unfortunately, the pets.  One thing on my mind is that my parents have left their investments and property to both of us in their will, so unsure at what point this needs to be changed.

So, a MASSIVE step forward for me would be to go and seek legal advice, but I'm incredibly anxious about doing so.  So here i am on Reddit asking some (hopefully well-informed) strangers.  

Here's where I'd like to be in two years time:

• Divorced, and single.  Living in a more rural spot, away from heavy urban area, but still close enough to travel with own car.  Ideally not renting, but have own property.  Not a fan of neighbours so if opportunity arises for a detached house or top floor flat I'd take it.
• Minimal debt (we're talking just a few hundred pounds on credit card 'for emergencies' which can be paid off.
• Still able to see some of 'our' current friends, I get on really well with them.  
• Have then begun to develop other friendships, perhaps even some FWB lol who knows.  If love blossoms then so be it, but I'm initially happy to be single.
• Still earning a decent amount, perhaps a couple of hundred more (this isn't impossible) but enough for me to have paid off all bills including gym membership and still afford a couple of luxuries on a weekend (such as takeaway, or travel somewhere for leisure)

I just don't know how to get there.   If I take Option 2, we sell house in just over a years time, let's say we do indeed split everything 50/50.  If property sells for £150k, with £75k remaining on it, that leaves £75k to go... where...?  Well £30k goes to my parents, then the remaining £45 goes between us - does it? (Let's call it £20k each after any legal fees etc), which could help pay off debt?

I imagine my parents would be happy to transfer their £30k to a deposit for a new place for me, but I'm wary of assuming this.  Alternative is I pay off some of my debt and use the remainder to pay for a deposit.

Lots to unpack here I know.  It's more complicated than I thought after typing it out.  Heaven knows how people with kids and more expenses do it.  But, it's how I feel at the moment and I think in the long term my mental health will be better if I am no longer with her.  

I've no evidence of her financial control or verbal abuse (except a few historical recordings from one of those sleep-talk apps which we both agreed to use a number of years ago 'for a laugh' but it captured her calling me selfish, thick c*nt etc.  I'm not sure I want to go down the road of claiming 'domestic abuse' of sorts, as it'll only end up in court and likely amass more and more bills which none of us can afford to pay, so I'd rather go down the 'standard' route, which I believe could be done reasonably quick given the marriage ceremony took place in Nevada, USA (but registered in Glasgow, Scotland).

Any advice or experience from anyone, even someone in similar position would be greatly appreciated, so I have some sort of idea on what to expect or how long it'll take all in - not looking for short 'lawyer-up' responses, this is in the plan but really nervous about even having the conversation, so I just want to know how best to approach this situation, and if my two year vision is realistic enough with the income I have?