I was suppose to get married in January and my life was going to be set from there. I met my fiancé when he was in the U.S. on a student visa and sadly that visa expired and he had to go home. I feel like when that happened that was when my life turned and not for the better. I was in such a deep depression but I didn’t know it would get worse from there.

He was suppose to come back on his renewed visa but that visa got denied. We worked with a lawyer who suggested the K1 fiancé visa and we applied for it. We thought it would go well and our time of being apart was over. But no because after his interview we thought he would be approved but he ended up being denied. The case status is just unknown and we’re working with our lawyer to figure this all out. Either we apply for a marriage visa which will take 1-2 years. Basically I’ll marry him and then I come back without him. Or I’ll move to South Korea and have my life there with him. Both options I really don’t want to do like I don’t want to be without him any longer and I’m unsure about moving there.

I’m in such horrible condition. All I do is sleep, cry, I’ve been drinking whenever I can and it’s gotten so bad that I vomited, my psychiatrist increased my dosage of my anti depressants, and sometimes I hurt myself. I don’t even know how I can begin to tell my fiancé any of this. I’m so scared he will blame himself. I know it probably sounds like I’m too codependent but imagine being away from your loved for over a year and you have no idea what the future holds for you and that person. I want him to be here so much and I want the future I painted in my mind. I was so close to having everything I wanted but now it was all taken from me. I even miss the nostalgia of our past that we had when he was here and really I forgot what it’s like to be with him. I only know what it’s like as a short reminder when I see him on my vacation time just for that to end because I have to come home.

I would love to do a marriage visa and work visa at the same time. In terms of I go to South Korea for the expedited time of the marriage visa. If not I’m thinking about moving to South Korea if nothing else works. Since he has his life established there and a really good job. Of course with that it leads to my parents being upset. My mom has complete meltdowns over this like she would cry and tell me I’ll only see her a few more times before she passes away. My mom isn’t supporting me at all with my decision if I have to move there which makes all of this much harder. I feel like I can’t do what’s best for me without considering everyone else’s feelings.

Even by going to therapy and increasing my anti depressants aren’t working. If this doesn’t work out with the K1 visa do I just marry him and come back alone or move there? I feel like everyone wants me to stay here and not move there. It’s like for my mom she’ll say “oh stay in the U.S. because you have family and just wait for him”. No one is taking into account my pain and suffering. I feel like no one acknowledges that I can’t do this anymore with long distance like there’s nothing else left in me. I don’t even know what’s best for me anymore. Everyday has turned into a continuation of the days I have been living without him. Everyone’s lives are going forward while mine is trapped. I can’t even talk to my fiancé anymore without feeling a wave of depression and even my fiancé pointed out that I sound depressed when talking to him. I try to tell him it’s not him but me. The very idea of doing long distance any longer would be the very end of me. I’m suffering all alone and as much as I cry that I want to be with him nothing is working. I feel like I’m mourning the life I was going to have with him like the wedding I was going to have in January and the cat we were going to adopt. It was all taken away from me. I don’t know what I did to deserve any of this. I just wish so much for the day we’re together. I don’t want to continue with being apart.