It's one thing to be pro-therapy and to support your spouse or partner's recovery journey, but when is enough ENOUGH?

I am so exhausted from being at the other end of emotional monitoring due to my husband's childhood abuse/trauma triggers. When I am frustrated or upset or just not happy and cheerful, I instantly feel under a microscope. My children have picked up on this behavior and it disrupts my parenting, one of my children in particular feels there is something wrong with me if I am frustrated and will focus on this instead of listening to me as a parent. It is truly exhausting.

I might be sick, or have an ache or pain, or be tired for work--"is something bothering you? ARE YOU MAD AT ME?" I am asked this question constantly, and to be clear it never feels like loving concern, it feels like the edge of an argument that will immediately become all about how UNFAIR it is that I am mad at him, even if I'm not having any negative feelings towards him whatsoever. If I AM upset about something, there is no neutral way to communicate it--it will immediately devolve into tirades about how silly it is for me to be angry about such trivial things, I've ruined the peace and happy feelings of the evening by experiencing this minor annoyance, and in general it's unfair to him that I am 'always so mad.' All that for the silliest little gripes that only warrant a little acknowledgement at most.

Paradoxically, the hyper-sensitivity to my emotional state also leaves me feeling very alone and emotionally unsupported. Only my feelings about him are relevant even when they aren't centered on him in the first place. It feels totally devoid of genuine compassion. He has asked me countless times what "compassion" would look like, and I describe it every time: objectively caring about my feelings and wanting to support me, not defend against me as if I am the enemy.

I am very obviously being treated like an abuser, which is a self-defense mechanism because he does indeed have a history of abuse, but understanding this and healing/moving on are two different things. He doesn't deny that he does this, or that it is a trauma response, but awareness "in the moment" is elusive so we cycle through emotional monitoring and its consequences on a daily basis (often multiple times per day). I find myself avoiding him because if I don't smile enough I am right back in the cycle. I have been asking for separation for months, but I don't think he actually believes me--I feel like he could be with someone who has a more cheerful mood in general, who just has more 'chill' at baseline, and he would instantly be happier. I could be with someone who cares about how I am feeling, like genuinely cares about the feelings themselves without personalizing them. The longer we stay together the more we deprive each other of the healthy partnerships we might build outside of this marriage.

He really is trying to change, I do believe that, but trying and "doing" are two different things and I'm still going through this daily/often multiple times a day. I am so tired.