I (18F) feel like I’m falling apart in front of my GF (18F), Do you guys think I am?

I’m sick, physically and mentally. I’ve been burnt out ever since my old best friend passed away and I was in her note.

I’m physically sick rn, I couldn’t even do anything for Halloween because one of my ears are infected and my medicine for it makes me even more sick.

I feel like I can’t get back up to where I should be. For my relationship, my family and friends, for me.

I’m so sensitive right now. I told my gf 2 weeks ago that we were incompatible because she doesn’t provide for my needs when I do everything to provide for hers (I put effort in the relationship for the both of us, try to come up with ways to take care of her bad eating habits, send gifts over, keep her updated on my days and schedule time for her always as I’m trying to make the long distance work.)- I try to make sure she’s loved ALL times not just in the good moments but it feels like I beg her for the same treatment. For calls, for posting about me like she used to do, for her to invest in our future instead of flying by the seat.

I felt drained by so many things, it began to build and one by one I noticed that I had to start all the hard talks, battle my overthinking so that I assume the right things since she’l never tell me. So I told her I couldn’t keep doing this and that this for a majority felt one sided.

She did do stuff I wanted but not what I needed.

I needed to be with my partner.

She promised me weekly calls- and she always has something pop up while I wait. At first it didn’t bother me cause when I got sick I barely could hear anyways but I felt so alone.

I needed someone to just be with me.

Yes I’m sick but I wanted to be with her on the moment.

My medicine rejecting body and my ear didn’t get better but my other ear was fine. She could just game while I watch or sleep and I’d be happy. I just want to stop feeling like a burden.

My mom knows I’m spiraling and I’ve become a failure to her. I keep coughing because my body deteriorates its health faster when it’s stressed but that stresses my mom out…Its become a cycle.

I just. I want to be needed enough to get better or work on my value. What happened to amazing girl I once was. What’s wrong so I can fix me. Why do I care about the calls and the lack of effort?

Why am I being so cruel to myself and others.