After we had taken a break from the relationship I F27 had a hookup a few weeks ago. I told Sara F36 and Tanner M37 about it for transparency. In case Tanner and I decided to do a bdsm scene or more, I wanted to let them know. Sara was not happy, as she felt it was an “immature” choice. There were no expectations after Tanner and I broke up that I would “remain exclusive.” However, we did discuss the possibility of dating again in the future, provided I had a more stable life, and Sara had addressed her own issues. So, after hashing things out, we agreed to remain exclusive if we wanted to explore dating later. It bothered me because Sara phrased it as giving me “another chance/last chance”—essentially saying if I drift away and have another hookup, there wouldn’t be any more chances. At what point does this start to feel like emotional manipulation?

Some days I tried to avoid Sara and Tanner, but it ultimately hurt more because I still had feelings for Tanner. Whenever they asked what was bothering me, I’d admit I was missing the relationship. Tanner and I thought about trying to be friends with benefits since we both have high sex drives, and we thought it could work. After discussing boundaries, we agreed kissing would be allowed only during scenes. Two weeks later, when Tanner suggested writing these rules down, Sara said she didn’t remember saying kissing was okay and then set up strict rules—no kissing, no penetration, no orgasms during scenes. She worried that kissing would lead to sex. I get that kissing can lead to feelings, but I was willing to avoid intercourse if that’s what truly bothered her. Tanner and I were both frustrated, but we decided to give Sara space to process. He also remembered her agreeing that kissing was okay. I’m not sure if it was a manipulation tactic or if she was just in a low place and agreed to it then.

Tanner has mentioned wanting a polyamorous relationship a couple of times recently, adding that if Sara isn’t okay with it, they might need to reconsider things. He’s said she struggles to keep up with his sex drive. I feel bad about it because I want her to be okay with polyamory so we can all get along. Sara eventually decided it was okay for Tanner and me to cuddle since I needed some kind of intimacy. Tanner says he’s willing to wait patiently, but I don’t know for how long.

Recently, it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions. I attend therapy on Tuesdays, while Tanner and Sara go to her sessions on Fridays. There’s been a lot of discussion and back-and-forth communication, which is good in some ways, but other times I’m left questioning what’s going on. I find myself constantly seeking validation from Tanner, telling him I want it to work, that I want Sara on board, and that I’m not trying to replace her. I often ask him if Sara even likes me as a friend anymore, and he, trying to problem-solve, tells me to “prove” or “show” her that I appreciate her, suggesting I clean the house, cook, etc., even though I’ve already been doing those things.

Yesterday evening, I texted Sara to ask if she liked me as a friend.

Sara replied: “I am not sure yet.”

I responded: “Not even as a friend?”

Sara: “Yes. I don’t know. It’s very annoying when you have ‘blonde moments.’ It’s not your fault, so I can’t blame you or hold it against you, but I also can’t say that I want to be around that all the time if they’re happening. You’re a nice person, but I just don’t know if our personalities mesh.”

This confused and hurt me because why did we hang out at the Renaissance festival together? Why did we do the historical ghost walking tour? Why did I buy ingredients to make treats for Halloween together? I can understand questioning more than friendship, but to say she doesn’t know if she considers me a friend? It doesn’t make sense. The “blonde moments” she described are times when it takes me a bit longer to understand something, or my lack of life experience frustrates her. She also mentioned that my impulsivity bothers her. But to say it in such a rude way, especially when she recently got an ADHD diagnosis herself, felt unfair.

Later that night, she texted to apologize for upsetting me.

Sara: “I’m sick that you’re not talking to me, so I think I need to reevaluate.”

This morning, I replied: “Sick of what? I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m hurt, but I can’t control or change your feelings, and I’m not going to.”

Sara: “I’m sad that you’re not talking to me. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but I also can’t lie. Tanner seems to think you can change into someone I can be friends with, but I would never ask someone to do that, so I don’t know how to move forward. I want to try, but I also don’t want you to feel like I’m changing you as a person. That wouldn’t be fair.”

I asked, “What are you looking for in a friend?”

Sara: “Someone I can rely on, who will support me during emotional breakdowns, help me grow, and become a better person, and someone I want to spend time with.”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m not sure if I’m someone you’d want to spend time with. The ‘blonde moments’ are from my unmanaged ADHD.”

Sara: “I don’t want to feel like I’m asking you to change as a person to be friends with me.”

Me: “I’ve been working on improving myself since Tanner and I broke up. If you don’t see that, I’m not sure what else to say.”

Throughout my time with them, I’ve felt that Sara hasn’t acknowledged the progress I’ve made. This includes reducing my credit card debt, working on my trauma and anxiety, avoiding edibles when stressed, and trying to rekindle the dynamic I shared with Tanner. When I mention to Tanner that Sara doesn’t seem to appreciate any of this, he says, “I see your growth” or “Sara isn’t the most patient person.”

Sara: “I see the improvements you’ve been making, and I’m not arguing that. I don’t want to change your personality—that’s what I’m trying to say. Friendships should be organic, and I don’t want you to feel I’m asking you to change to be friends.”

Me: “I get that, but I’m not sure if your expectations are clear.”

Sara: “They probably aren’t. I avoid confrontations and don’t speak up when things bother me because I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.”

Me: “What do you feel I’m changing to be friends with you?”

Sara: “The impulsivity and not thinking things through. ‘The blonde moments,’ as I call them.”

Me: “I can work on that. I think it’s just my ADHD.”

Sara: “Okay, are you willing to still work on things, or do you want to give up?”

Me: “No, I don’t want to give up. Do you?”

Sara: “No, I don’t. Tanner thought you might want to.”

Me: “Yesterday, I felt like giving up because I was emotional. Also, if I get a full-time job at the high school, I’m considering a car loan.”

Sara: “Why?”

Me: “Your text hurt because I was thinking about the past weeks we hung out, wondering why you’re questioning our friendship when I thought things were improving.”

Sara: “That’s my fault. I should’ve been honest, but I don’t like hurting people’s feelings.”

Me: “I think I can handle more financial responsibilities now that my credit card debt is lower.”

Sara: “Okay. Talk to Tanner; he’s better with money.”

Me: “How did you feel spending time with me the past few weeks, or what made you question our friendship?”

Sara: “Sometimes I think about asking you to hang out, but then I hesitate, unsure if I can handle it. I’m protecting my mental health right now, and small things can annoy me. For instance, the suggestion of the free medical clinic confused me because I wondered why we’d need those services.”

For context, a woman gave me a flyer for free medical services like teeth cleaning and vaccines, and I was excited about the massage option. I texted Sara and Tanner, suggesting they check it out, thinking of past complaints they made about back pain. However, Sara was annoyed by the suggestion, pointing out it was for people without insurance.

TL;DR: Moved in too quickly with a couple try polyamory but it’s not working. They still want to try even when I felt uncomfortable to do so. Is the relationship salvageable?