I 42F have a never-ending cycle with my husband 44M: I can irritated about some little thing for the 600th time and in a tone of irritation express the problem. No yelling, no name-calling, but he always feels caught off guard when I’m suddenly like “can you please NOT leave the empty ice trays on the counter? I have one this one counter to cook and clean with, I can’t even serve lunch right now because there is no where for your empty nice trays.”

This is a small kitchen with no dishwasher. Full sink of dishes, he “helped” start lunch because I have a migraine but didn’t think to tidy up or wash any dishes. I didn’t complain about this, but there was literally a stack of pots and pans and no way to quickly clean dishes to eat on because of the space taken up by these ice trays, which are left out EVERY TIME they are empty. He has an iced protein drink every morning and filling the ice trays is part of the BEDTIME routine, he likes them out to remind him.

His immediate reaction is aghast at me for being upset. I’m so absurd, it’s such a small thing, “I can’t hear you if you’re talking to me like that.” Which of course only makes me more upset. He says some words to shut me up (“I get it, it’s really inconvenient to others”) but refuses to say it should never be done and then turns the tables on me: he’s only going to reassure me it shouldn’t be done if I reassure HIM that I won’t get upset if he makes a “simple mistake.”

My entire life is bogged down by the scale and scope of ice trays on my counters, peanut butter / spoons left everywhere all the time, never taking out trashes until reminded several times (especially upstairs trash—I do a lot and this is his chore), walking 3 paces ahead of me on date nights and walks instead of holding my hand, socks on the floor, dirty boxers IN my bed…all things I routinely break on and ask “can you NOT?” Leading to the next round of defense, dismissal, and tone policing.

You can be with a “really great guy” in many regards but when someone is routinely this shitty it’s grounds for ending it, right? I know it’s the right thing but I could use some encouragement.

I really want my next husband to be more concerned that I am upset about something than aghast/disgusted/dismissive.