okay so yesterday (and most days tbh) i was feeling a little tired, i wanted to relax since our daughter finally fell asleep but then plans changed.. my partner asked to have sex with me and i just went along with it.

i was thinking all sorts of stuff while it was happening like how im not even in the mood, yet im doing this anyway? and how i dont want it to be this way because he is my partner, father of my baby yet the sex just feels so… empty? my mind just wasnt in it. i felt nothing. no connection, no arousal. when he finished i started to tear up but i didnt let him see it. then i cried by myself in the bathroom while i cleaned myself up.

there’s a lot of context missing though… so at the start of our relationship i was super into having sex with him. he was more reserved so i did all the initiating which i did not mind.

fast forward two years later, ive gained weight so i dont feel sexy. on top of that there is motherhood. my libido was pretty much nonexistent while i was breastfeeding and my baby was a newborn. but of course, i still did things to please him. when i was healing from my stitches i still gave him blowjobs to keep him satisfied. it was a big worry of mine that if i didnt in some way satisfy him, that he’d be unhappy with me.

recently he’s said some stuff, like given me feedback on our sex life. fair enough. i like conversations like these because it helps us both learn about what we want n need so we can make things more enjoyable sexually. his main complaint was that i tend to act silly during sex rather than sexy.. he said “i want you to be like a woman, not a little girl”. which i TOTALLY agreed with him on. it’s just my stupid insecurities get in the way and i start treating sex like a joke. it doesnt feel good for me either like i wish i had the confidence to express myself like i used to but things changed…

i took his feedback very seriously and made improvements almost immediately. he noticed the difference and seemed happy. i actually took a bit of a break from him because there was some other stuff going on and the distance made me miss him, so when i came back after 2 days at my mom’s place i was very sexual and very expressive. i even sent him nudes while i was at my mom’s which i have NEVER done. it felt nice to be this open and free with my partner.

but then like… he wants something from me everyday and i want it to be good for him. it’s just so hard to when im not in the mood. i havent been warmed up or anything. then i start panicking over my performance because even if i try to fake a good blow job like act all hungry n shit, it just feels dirty.. because it was fake. then it makes me want to rip my skin and cry.

he has had all this feedback for me which again, i feel is completely valid but he hasnt really done anything on his end? i told him that in order for me to do well he needs to warm me up a bit. like watch something on tv with me, that’ll make me feel all fuzzy and close to him n eventually i’ll wanna take his clothes off. very simple. i dont need to be wined and dined or anything.

im just not sure how to talk about this with him because sometimes he takes things too far. for example, if i tell him i dont like a meal he made, depending on my delivery, he would literally take my plate and throw the whole thing away. like that. sometimes if i have some feedback or criticism he will take the extreme route rather than have a mature conversation and talk. his reaction scares me and im never sure what i’ll get so i choose to not say anything…

if i do say something im very careful with how i say it. the words i use and my tone. if there is any sign of anger, annoyance, frustration or basically any negative emotion in what im trying to communicate to him, he responds poorly.

any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

TL;DR i cried after having sex with my partner because i felt pressured to make it good for him even though i wasnt in the mood.