My wife ‘F/36’ and I ‘M/37’ have been together since high school. We lost our virginity to each other and have pretty much done everything together for majority of our lives now. I love her very much. I find her insanely attractive to the point I find it very difficult to not touch her or have naughty thoughts every time I see her lol. The problem is, I don't get the same vibes from her. We have had our ups and downs in the bedroom over the past 20yrs. Mostly my sex drive being a lot higher than hers. We have a lot of discussions and over the past handful of years the frequency has been great. We usually have sex 3-5 times a week. Averages closer to 3. I very much appreciate the frequency but 95% of the time there really is t much passion and while the sex is satisfying, it's not fulfilling. We usually watch porn in bed together but watch separate things. I have encouraged her to find guys she thinks are attractive and watch that while we have sex. We do like to fantasize about sharing each other (probably won't ever really happen and that's fine). The issue with that is now what we do that every single time and while I do enjoy it, I also want to have more of a connection with just me and her too. I'd like to skip the pinball together and just explore each others bodies and get turned on that way. I know that wouldn't be a problem for me but I almost feel like it could be for her. Or at least that's the impression I'm getting.

Her lack of affection has been an issue since year 2 or 3. She says she’s just not an affectionate person, which I try to understand but struggle with. I’m fit, with a dadbod now but still muscular, and I’m a pleaser who loves showing affection. I’d do anything to turn her on, even if it’s not my preference. But she’s not like that. In 30 years, she’s given me oral maybe twice, and it’s unenjoyable because she clearly doesn’t like it. As a pleaser, it’s hard for me to grasp this. If she wanted something, I’d do it without hesitation. It makes me question if she finds me repulsive, though I know I’m not. I’m always clean before intimacy, but beyond sex, I just want her to show she’s attracted to me. I don’t feel loved, and sex now leaves me feeling worse.

I’m seriously considering asking her if she’s truly in love with me or just loves the idea of our relationship and its comfort. We have a life together with four kids, and while she mostly stays home to care for them, I provide for the family. We’re not rich or poor, and we face daily struggles like many others. We’ve always been a strong team, but I wonder if that’s all she loves, or if she’s no longer attracted to me. I’m hesitant to bring it up because, A) I don’t want to be right—if I am, what happens next? And B) I feel like I’m constantly complaining about the same issues.

BTW I tried to shorten this up with chat gtp lol but writing this from my phone was a challenge. It