it has been a rough relationship. been together two years. lots of downs, not so many ups but i always wanted to make things work. he has always wanted us to break up. every disagreement or argument we have, at some point in the conversation he says something like “this is why i say we dont suit each other, you go be with someone else and i’ll be with someone else”. i dont recall a single time where we have disagreed and simply talked it out without him bringing up leaving me. it gets so exhausting for me. when he finally cools down, he excuses himself by saying that “i only say that when i feel like there is no hope in our relationship getting better” and he apologises, seemingly sincere and i forgive him every single time. sadly i cant forget.

every time ive fought for us to stay together. i told him id do better, do whatever he wants to make him happy. recently since having a baby ive gained lots of weight. i wont lie, i have a binge eating problem so it’s not entirely because of the baby. ive had this eating problem for as long as i can remember. so i gained lots of weight and he admitted that he wasnt as attracted to me as he used to be. when he gets upset over an argument, he brings up other girls and how his dream girl is someone that is athletic, adventurous, attractive. just last week he told me he was trying to look for all the girls that used to like him back in school so he could reach out to them but he couldnt find them.

two whole years of him constantly trying to leave and me holding him back. this time after so much build up, when he wanted to leave i resisted a little bit but then i finally caved. i couldnt force someone to stay with me who so obviously wanted to leave me. i couldnt do it to him or myself. he’s just said so much shit to me, not a single good thing about me comes out of his mouth. i convinced myself he simply didnt love or care about me at all and all he cares about is his dream to travel. he never had a reason to stay with me. he makes it seem like all i have are bad qualities and that im undesirable to him.

i tried my hardest to be strong but i held his hands and told him wholeheartedly that i want what is best for him and if he truly doesnt see things getting better with me, he can go. i still wanted to work things out but i saw no point in convincing him anymore. he has said too much.

he left and i was sad but overall i felt good about my decision. i thought i did the right thing for both of us. it was easier this way and i tried my best but again, i cant force someone to love me the way i love them. i threw my hands up and surrendered to the situation.

however, he came back. so much shit happened afterwards but i dont want to make this post too long. he said he wanted to reconsider things and talk it out.

we’re okay now but yesterday he picked me up from hospital. i had an ectopic pregnancy and just had surgery to get it removed. i stayed there the night. even though i had all these confusing feelings, i tried to message him all lovey dovey but he didn’t reciprocate. so i took it as a sign that he didnt really care to make our relationship normal.

thing is, when he picked me up i didnt hug him or kiss him. i didnt tell him i missed him. im normally a very affectionate person but i didnt even realize myself until he pointed it out. he said “im kinda shocked you didnt say you missed me or anything… normally you would.” and i felt bad because it’s true. and i didnt really miss him. all i was worried about was him being alone with our baby.

again, im a very clingy, affectionate type of girl especially with him. he brought it out of me. i guess after 2 years hearing all the reasons he wants to leave me i convinced myself he didnt want me so i pulled away, subconsciously. i wasnt trying to play any games or anything it just happened on its own. it’s actually a very scary and sad thing to happen.

then we talked about things. he opened up to me about how he felt when i let him go. he said that my words were very sweet and genuine. he could feel there was no fear of loss, just pure emotion. it’s like he saw the real me and when he saw that and left, he instantly regretted his decision. for the first time EVER he told me the reasons why he loves me. he said i was kind, thoughtful, loving and generous. he appreciates what i do for him and he told me he feels like he could never find a girl like me.

he has never opened up to me like this. and i wasnt expecting it at all. i was still uncertain and scared so i asked him “you still love me even though im not skinny?” he said yes. i brought up all the shitty things he’s said to me and he said even though he said all that, deep down he loves me and is very sensitive.

he said he doesn’t know how to show love properly. he can feel things but doesnt show it. i know this is true already but i didn’t realise how bad it was. the only evidence of his love i had was my ability to hurt him. not that id ever hurt him on purpose, but my actions can hurt him. i make him vulnerable. that was the ONLY evidence i had that he felt something for me. other than that, i had nothing.

OH AND he said something about us being together forever and he will never bring up breaking up again:D. how neat! im not sure i 100% believe him because old habits die hard. but it seriously took ME ACCEPTNG DEFEAT for him to realize and tell me all this. it’s a fucking miracle.