We have been married for eight years. We have three kids under the age of seven, so life can get pretty hectic sometimes, as you might well imagine. Due to unhealthy families of origin, during our marriage we have unfortunately had many challenges with extended family on both sides that have sadly resulted in at least a temporary loss of those relationships.

Growing up, my family struggled with narcissistic and emotional abuse from my mother. As I was mostly unaware my family dynamic was not the norm, nor I or my wife were prepared for the effect it would have on our marriage until we cut ties with my mother. Her family suffered from some similar challenges, although perhaps not as severe.

After countless hours working with therapists, my wife has been diagnosed with PTSD and severe anxiety and depression due to these emotionally traumatic circumstances. It has been difficult for me to watch as her husband as she has been affected more deeply by these events than I think I have.

I have been lucky to work remotely as a software engineer for the past six years. This has enabled me to pick up extra responsibilities when it comes to taking care of the house and children. I'll place a caveat here that I love doing these things. Spending time with my children is one of the greatest joys of my life. Over the past three to four years, I have begun to take on the primary role of caretaker in our house. I cook all of the meals, do roughly 80% of the cleaning, and take care of the children's needs (changing diapers, getting them dressed, watching them, etc.), again roughly 80% to 90% of the time. I'll reiterate that I do not mind doing this. I love my wife deeply and it has been difficult for me to watch her, in some ways, become a shell of who she used to be. She has become resentful towards life, I think, and I can feel significant resentment towards me as well. She on some level blames me for my family’s actions, feeling I allowed them to emotionally abuse her and didn’t stand up for her while we were still in contact with them, which I believe contributes to this resentment.

I recently obtained employment at an out-of-state hybrid position, which means I will be leaving the house for two to three days every single week. I have been concerned that I have stepped up and taken perhaps too much on and have not left a space for my wife to feel needed in the home. Many days she is in bed till 3 to 4 p.m. and when night time comes she is wracked with anxiety and insomnia and is unable to sleep until often after sunrise. And given these circumstances, of course I'm happy to handle the children so that she can rest.

To my question at hand, I'm wondering if I should seek remote employment again fairly immediately, or wait a bit (as a side note, I obtained this job out of necessity as I was laid off a few months ago and it and it was the first job that I could find). I'm wondering if, in an effort to boost my wife's confidence and give her opportunities to get back into the habit of doing things, I should maintain this hybrid employment even if a remote position becomes available. I want to help my wife and be there for her all of the time. But I worry that my doing so has in some ways done more harm than good.

I'm looking for any suggestions, thoughts or opinions on this. It's difficult because if I pass up a remote opportunity it means I'm passing up spending more time with my wife and children. I just don't know if my wife will be able to find purpose again in being a mother, in her paintings, in her crafting, in all of the things that she loves to do and has not been doing for two to five years, unless I allow her the space to step back into that role out of necessity.