(Polyamorous 40M). There is a snag I frequently fall into with my partners (35F and 40F) and I just don’t know to navigate it. In short: when a partner brings to me a way that I’ve upset them, but I feel they are unreasonable for being upset, how do I validate the hurt without sounding defensive.

The long version: It’s so hard for me when I have a partner to bring to me a way I’ve hurt them (emotionally) because of something I’ve done or not done - but I feel the fact they are hurt is based on an unrealistic expectation from me. “I’m hurt because you didn’t ___” and there are times when I think “how would I have known you wanted me to ___”.

What I don’t understand is how to validate a hurt, unintentional or otherwise, while still also sharing “it feels like the bar you’ve set for me to not hurt you is too high”