This is going to be a long one, so buckle up and get a hot beverage of your choosing, because you're about to get a glimpse into the last 6 years of this dynamic.

I (26M) moved out when I was 18, two days after I graduated high school. My mom (46F) has been with my step-dad Jay (44M) for 18 years. I never really had a true father figure growing up, and my former step-dad (not the current one) was very abusive towards me and my mom, to the point where we fled provinces for our safety. My biological dad was never really there for me until I moved out, which now I understand (basically didn't want to have to deal with my mom). I grew up dealing with all of that without any sort of therapy or mental health help because we were dirt poor, so I got my fair share of groundings as any kid would in my situation. Here are some of the things my step-dad and my mom grounded me for:

• Grounded for three weeks for not cleaning the dishes properly
• My phone charger was taken away for the whole day because I didn't unplug it when I was done using it
• I wasn't allowed to have my debit card in my wallet until I was 17 (I was working paper routes and McDonald's at this point)
• I forgot to do the dishes before I went over to a friend's house for a sleepover. I was made to come back home, do the dishes, and was then told that as punishment I wasn't allowed to sleep over anymore.

There's a bunch of others that I can't remember right now but suffice to say, they were overly strict on me to the point where I needed my space. Hell, I threatened to go to the local youth support society 6 months before I graduated so I could gain even a little autonomy.

I lived my life for 5 years after moving out in relative peace. Only talked to my mom once every 6 months and I was living my best life. Met my wife (24F) and after a mental health crisis I had in 2023, I decided that I needed to put more effort into having family in my life. That, plus a lot of pestering from my mom about how her health was deteriorating, I started talking to her again more regularly. But unfortunately, a pattern started forming.

We would talk on the phone, catching up. Then she would complain about something Jay did. Then she would go on about how I never make the effort to see her or reach out to her. This happened every time we called for about a year. And Jay's behaviour was getting worse. Cheating, berating, getting physical with her, and I would have to hear about it every time. Which is fine - if an effort was being made to change her situation. And then August 2023 happened.

I was supposed to go up there for my mom's birthday. I planned it out with Jay to go to a lunch for my mom with my wife and him, to give her her gift and spend some time with them all. I was going to split the cost of lunch between me and Jay, as I couldn't afford to do it on my own at the time (we were saving up to go to a concert later in the month that was planned in December). The night before the lunch, I texted Jay asking where we should go. He told me that he couldn't make it because he had to work that day, and I had to cancel with my mom because I couldn't afford to drive to her house and put the mileage on my already very old car. I ended up wishing her a happy birthday on the phone and mailing her her gift.

Later in the month, I was on the trip for my concert with my wife, and her sisters. I get a call from my mom while sitting down in an IKEA cafeteria (first time I've ever been to one btw), and she goes on about how she needs to leave Jay because he cheated on her again and this and that. She also told me that he said 'if I (meaning me) loved her enough, I would have been there for her [regarding her birthday]'. It was at that moment where I lost all respect for Jay. That call lasted for about an hour, where we were all aimlessly walking through an IKEA and my wife and her sisters were all eavesdropping on our conversation (which I was fine with).

The next month, I texted her again saying I needed some distance between us because of her behaviour on the phone calls, and the things Jay has said to her regarding me. She defended Jay, and we ended up not talking for a few months before her health started deteriorating more and I ended up agreeeing with her that I would call her every Monday night to check in on her and make sure that she's alive, basically.

Now we reach last week. Mom caught Jay cheating again with multiple other women, and he got physical in response. Mom had enough, and filed official tax paperwork with the CRA to change her marital status to single on her taxes, and kicked him to the curb. I was surprised as she has never gone that far before, and was happy for her that she was finally getting out of that situation. I basically told her everything I thought about Jay over the years but could never say, and even took her out to dinner with my wife as a celebration of a new chapter. She told me that a lot of what happened when I grew up with the punishments was really Jay's doing, and she didn't really support it. She was pleasant to be around. But then I got a text the next day, saying she had something important to tell me.

She let him move back in. Not even a week went by and she asked the landlords to let him come back (they said yes reluncently, they don't like him either). She said she didn't want to be heartless and let him go homeless. So I let her know, that if she gets back together with him, I will be going no contact with her. She understood and I thought everything was fine, until Tuesday.

She called me drunk, and started talking about how fed up she was that he came back and that he was gaslighting her. I told her she needed to make a plan to get out. Her drunk plan involved her calling her friend in Alberta and her cousin in New Brunswick (at midnight and 2AM in thier respective time zones) and winge on about what Jay was doing. The friend from Alberta actually answered and we basically told her that we can't do anything to force Jay out, she needed to do this all on her own and that we would be there to support her. She ended up going back into the house and started picking fights with Jay, and after us screaming at her for 10 minutes to disengage and one of them leave (surprised I didn't get a noise complaint myself tbh) - and Jay taking shots at me for 'disrespecting my mother' and calling me a pussy (lmao), they seperated. She ended up texting her landlord that night that she wanted to have Jay evicted. The landlord responded that he would only accept them both leaving, and that they had two months notice to find a new place. He later rescinded the two months and told them to take as much time as they needed, but the writing on the wall was pretty clear.

Now, what does my mom do the day after? She hops into the group chat and blames all of us for ambushing her and getting her evicted. We pointed out that how could we ambush her if she was the one who called us, and that she would have been evicted no matter what if she was beefing with Jay that hard, but she didn't listen. After refusing any suggestions for help (including one where I would drive her, her car, and her belongings to New Brunswick - which is a 3 day trip non-stop - to stay at a furnished place her cousin would provide, and help her find a new job as a youth support worker (my mom has degrees in ECE)), she left the group chat and told me to not reach out unless she asks.

I am so frustated and done. I kind of already want to go no contact now, especaially with some of the things Jay has said to me. I'm not comfortable around him, my wife isn't comfortable around him, and I would never bring my future children around that mess. But at the same time, I would feel bad if I did go no contact and she does leave, because she would definately need my support. I just really need advice. I am so conflicted. Please help me Reddit, I am already so stressed from this sitation. If anyone has any questions, I can provide any answers. Thank you.

TLDR: Mom is in bad relationship with step dad, step dad has manipulated her hard. Big blow up happened. She blamed me for blow up happening. Not sure what to do.