I mention about an eating disorder in this so be aware of that

I used to have an eating disorder (age 12-21) and since recovering I’ve gained a significant amount of weight, to a point that I’m pretty heavily overweight now. I’ve already had some insecurity and self esteem issues but being with my current boyfriend has made it significantly more noticeable because he’s quite skinny and i just can’t help comparing the two sizes of us.

It was already pretty hard dealing with that insecurity, and I’ve been trying to lose weight the last couple months but it’s just not really working fast.

2 weeks ago we were cuddling and he kinda squeezed my under arm fat and it made me start freaking out, crying and refusing to let him touch or come near me. To try and comfort me he said “It’s normal, everyone has it, even I have it” and then he tried to squeeze his but there wasn’t enough there to squeeze. That made me completely spiral and I can’t stop thinking about how much bigger I am than him, and how much weight I’ve gained.

He’s only ever known me as the size I am now but I know I’m just not where I should be. I couldn’t eat for 4 days after that, and ever since it happened whenever I do eat I just end up puking it out.

Being beside him makes me feel repulsive. He also accidentally pinched the side of my stomach while trying to pinch my bum on Sunday and I had another melt down. Since that happened I’ve noticed I’ve been taking out a lot of my insecurity on him and I feel awful. I keep mentioning that he doesn’t eat enough and stuff like that and it actually bothered him a lot last night after I made one comment about it and i feel horrible.

Our relationship is very healthy, and we both really love and care for each other, this is the only issue I have with it. I don’t want to break up, not even slightly. But I’m at a point I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking about maybe asking him for us to take a break from spending time together for a couple weeks while I try to lose more weight so I don’t have such intense feelings around him like this weekend.

I want to talk to him about things, but I also know he’s going to feel awful if I tell him where I’m at, but I don’t know what else to say or how I should put this or if I ruined the relationship already and should just call it quits.