Sorry in advanced for the very long-winded wall of text.

My husband and I have been together for nine years and married for six. Over the past year, I’ve struggled with sexual intimacy, which has led me to seek therapy and visit doctors. I've learned that my difficulties may come from a combination of stress, past trauma being triggered, and possible resentment towards my husband, which I’m still trying to understand. Sex has always been painful for me (I experienced CSA, which I'm still unpacking in therapy, and may be the reason for this), but I managed it until recently, when it became especially difficult, leading to a decrease in motivation that has affected our relationship.

My husband craves sex and misses our physical connection. He's emphasized that he wants to make the most of our youth but has been understanding and says he will wait, though it has impacted his mood. I apologized for shutting down during sex, and although he was gracious about it, he admitted he had subscribed to a few OnlyFans accounts for personalized content and apologized on his end too. Weirdly enough, it didn't bother me at the time, I forgave him and we moved on. Maybe a part of me was relieved that he had an outlet? I guess I just accepted it at the time, because I always wanted him to have healthy outlets for stress. I do understand that watching free porn and making requests on OF are completely different things though. In the past, he has requested me to make sexual content for him and we explored many things together - which may have fatigued me, so I stopped after I started getting uncomfortable. He has acknowledged this. However, I've recently discovered that he is still subscribed to OF (I never asked him to unsubscribe, but he said he did, and even just last week said he never uses the site), though I'm unsure if they're free subscriptions or not. I haven't yet mentioned it and am unsure how to approach it, if at all

During this time, we also had several discussions about my feelings of potential resentment, which I find hard to accept as it feels like a strong word. I admitted that his frequent absence from family events—often choosing to stay home while I go alone—has left me feeling lonely, especially since I try my best to connect with his family, who live abroad. I said that it does sometimes hurt when at nearly every family event, I've had to make an excuse as to why he isn't there. His reasoning is that his BIL was never forced to go to family events, despite him knowing how family oriented I am. He says that going to them makes him feel lonely without his own family as well, which I understand and have never forced him to come with me. It's just something I choose to deal with, but I've expressed my feelings about it. I also felt a little bothered that I’m usually the one planning and suggesting dates, but I worked through that myself and just got over it. I'm a homebody, but going out every once in a while would be nice. Because of that, I've started to reconnect with old friends to socialize, which I enjoyed. I've welcomed him to join in every time too; sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't.

After these conversations, he seemed to shut down, feeling inadequate as a partner, and I felt like I had to do damage control, reassuring him every day through affection and words of affirmation, but also regretting that I even brought it up. Because this was around the time I was hanging out with my childhood friends more, going out for meals with them, I always let him know where I was and who I was with because he was so used to me spending all my free time with him, as couples do. There were a couple of times when I didn’t reply to his texts for a few hours, which made him feel unappreciated despite me telling him I am meeting a friend and may not respond quickly as I usually would. I apologized many times, explaining that I feel awkward or rude having my phone out while socializing. He told me he "doesn’t deserve to be treated like this," which made me feel like a terrible partner. I now often feel anxious about not responding quickly, especially when I’m not at work.

For added context, I’m the sole financial provider, a role I happily took on to support his dreams. I try to keep him motivated by suggesting events and talking about his work, providing emotional and monetary support, but he still holds himself back from chasing opportunities. We were also long-distance for a while, and I covered most of his flights, did about 95% of the visa paperwork, and paid off some of his debts early in our relationship. I also paid for my engagement ring; while his mother offered their grandmother's ring, she asked for money for it, which I paid without minding at the time. I haven’t discussed this thought with him, but I’m trying to figure out if it bothers me because I don’t want to seem materialistic. There was a point where my husband did make some money from his work, so occasionally he has paid for things. I was raised by a single mother, who taught me to be a provider, so I never asked nor expected him to pay me back for anything,

In recent years, I dropped my career to work at my family’s business, which has led to financial struggles that he knows about and makes him anxious. He talks about wanting to make money, but I avoid pressuring him to do anything, trying not to add to his stress for fear of him shutting down again. Despite these challenges, he is a wonderful man who takes care of me and is my best friend. We do everything together and can talk and laugh about almost anything. My family likes him, and he helps out around the house by cooking and cleaning during the times that I can't.

My therapist and I discussed how I sometimes feel more like a mother than a wife, which affects my sexual desires. I’ve suggested couples therapy, but he refuses to go, saying he doesn’t need someone else to tell him what’s wrong and that the 'ball is in my court'. I try to communicate as much as possible and offer my support whenever he needs to vent. I fear losing him and can’t imagine my life without my best friend, but I worry I may never give him the physical intimacy he wants. I try to be affectionate in other ways, but when it comes to sex, I shut down. I reassure him daily that he is incredibly attractive and that I love him dearly.

I’m left questioning whether this is truly resentment or if I’m just dealing with the consequences of my choices. I feel lost and unsure how to regain my sexual motivation or make him feel wanted. I’ve planned trips, events, and gifts, but nothing has changed I feel helpless and at a loss for what to do. I’m afraid to bring anything up because I don’t want a repeat of last year’s fallout. He is generally a sensitive person, but he has also had a very tough year, grappling with guilt about not making money, our lack of intimacy, and thoughts of his father, who sadly passed away from cancer earlier this year. His father was a great man, and I miss him every day. I'm afraid to bring any of this up for fear of a repeat of last year, but worse.

Now we’re back to our daily routines, where he’s at home working on his career while I’m at work. He feels sad most days, and while I do too, I’m trying to help us both feel better. We still enjoy spending time and laughing together. He often says it will take time, which I understand, but I still feel overwhelmed and lost in this mix of emotions, just running on autopilot. I just want to be a good wife, and the guilt of not providing sex and failing to lift him up is eating away at me. I don't really talk to people about any of this, so sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode and often have breakdowns when I have a moment alone.

TL;DR: My husband craves sexual intimacy but I shut down when it comes to sex as a result of various stressors and trauma, which I am actively in therapy for but it has greatly impacted his mood. I'm trying my best to fix myself, but it's taking longer than we'd like. While he contributes to our relationship in many ways that I'm grateful for, I feel as though the effort has often been one-sided or imbalanced, causing me to lose a spark. Because of his difficult year, I struggle with the timing to bring up my feelings, if at all. How can I approach discussing this carefully? Any advice on how to fix this?