Hey, everyone I'm new here and I usually just kinda run around in my rants but I need help here, I will try to do best possible to explain.

Bout 6 months ago my ex gf since late 2009, she had a newborn.. we then had a child in 2012 so both I consider both mine. Oldest is 15 and youngest is 12, im 39 so I guess we started dating when I was 24-25 (she's a year older) anyway she was known as a cheated everyone warned me in high school and right before I started dating her. I hadn't had a lot of experience before her 5 times and she made 6 and haven't slept with a female since anyway.... I loved her so much and I guess she was just really good a manipulating me was most likely cheating randomly thru out the entire relationship but I dunno. So, I did most of the raising of our child Brody (step son) and then Jax was born in 2012 (I know this is a lot in just trying to give as much context as possible) and had problems (a while other longgg ass story) so he was in the hospital with him (because I worked) and she was closer to him. Anyway, I'm a vet tech and I've done everything for us all since we started dating.. I started co-oppibg as a vet tech for senior year HS in 2002 so I did all that so anyway back to the problem... I paid for everything then one day (we rented an apartment from ny dad in his finished basement) dad calls me and.asks can u come up here and help me with something.. he was a big guy 400 lbs? But owned a business and got up and out I just helped him occasionally, but that day Feb 5 2017 I he called ask for help so I said ok. I brushed my teeth ran up there and his door was closed and all lights (which usually means he's bout to get ready for work, shower all that) and I walk in and he is laying face down on the ground barely breathing and it's a very faint pulse.. king story short I got gun flipped called 911 and was doing cheat compressions til he got there but just nasty shit was coming out of his mouth I was yelling for Ashlee (my ex she couldn't hear me, but finally ran up) she saw him as well and freaked anyway the paramedics get there and one of em is like my best friend from high school I hadn't talked to in forever which was crazy.. anyway they worked on him 30 mins plus got to 10 BPM but then my friend just walked out and I hustled kept asking if he was gone and he just pulled me in for a hug and didn't say anything for a min then I said he's gone isn't he and ge said "yea, I am so sorry!" this fucked me up bad... she was upset but she didn't really act like anything happened except for asking if I got money from it.....

This happens we stay there and I start drinking heavy slowly at first and she was doing meth and crazy shit I don't even know what.. so now I'm an alcoholic drinking about a pint of fireball a day til I go to rehab the third time (the time in between that is just me drunk and her doing I don't even know but we were "still together") just be escaping rehab a couple times constantly getting arrested and alcoholic pancreatitis - worst pain ever. Finally (I lose my job in the meantime) I go to rehab Nov 16, 2020, and of course I had to drink as much as possible on the way. I get there and blow a .45 and the nurse asks me how I'm even standing up.. I was like I dunno I feel normal, and I did, and I remember parts of that first night. So I get thru and haven't drank since! Buy a house and let my brother stay with me and my family ash, and kids, sept 7 my we are at my moms and my brothers gf calls and says my brother is dead in my bathroom, he od'ed I didn't even know he was doin that shit.. so my role model big brother 9 years older is gone.. I can't keep the house so I sell it.. then we all moved in with my mom I didn't have a license til like 2022 cause of like duis I had gotten earlier in llife. So she has the car I get my job back but gets me to work late and everyday I get fired surprisingly heh in summer 2022.

I am now present day she got a job last fall and everything was great until like Valentine's Day this year. I send her flowers and she gets pissed I send them by delivery to her work.......... (oh and I find out she works with the only other female I talked to for years, I worked with this girl at the vet for three years) so my "friend" denies working with her and my ex denies working with her and it's weird and then she tries to hide her and I'm still confused to wth is going on with them to this day... I been unemployed bout to go to laser hair removal "boot camp" this coming spring and she still has this job and her own apt and ahe acts like I'm just some random person unless she needs money for Jax (my older started living with her mom cause neither of us were capable) which I can see whenever and I do, both.

Now it's September and I'm not doing shit til this boot camp and my adtual relationship question is how in the world do I start dating again? I don't drink so I feel like it'd be hard to go out and meet someone and I'm not talking super serious unless something happens but I've been thru every horrible thing that I can be thru in a relationship so I feel like I will know if the person is relationship material I dunno. Mainly I want some companionship. I have only been with one girl (and of course we had a lot of sex so I have a lot of experience but with one girl multiple times) since 2009 and times are so much different now I dunno wth to do. I just want some fun and without being able to drink and not having the dating experience since shit back when I was 25 and everything was different. How do I find people ya know just for fun for now and see what happens.

I know this is SUPER LONG AND HORRIBLY written but I need help for anyone who wants to rid part of my life. I appreciate any advice. See ya