Complicated as heck but let me add some backstory…which matters for me personally:

In early 2022 the girl I was dating and going to marry overdosed, I found her, and the nightmares alone honestly pushed me to an horrific place (reached out on here in another thread and I appreciate yalls support!) my now ex and her were close friends/coworkers and while I was pushing everyone out she did her damndest to not let me for over a year. During that time we got close and not just because she understood the situation and was truly a Godsend…but we connected in our own right. Idk if I wanted another relationship because moving forward from that…well. It just feels wrong for a long time. Anyways. We were both divorced. Difference is she was verbally and psychologically abused with the cherry on top being a miscarriage that has been something that has still haunted her. But hey…trauma is kind of a greedy passenger in life that takes time to accept. Before dating she felt like she had accepted the divorce and the miscarriage…dealing with my own trauma I get how sometimes despite thinking you’re good you can get the wind punched out of you…

Anyways. The one boundary (the main one) was that neither of us should be alone with a member of the opposite sex at either of our places or anyone else’s. Despite believing “no one would ever” it’s been too often in my experience that when you create an environment for it “life finds a way”. Well. Her ex husband (married 3 years, separated in 2018 finalized 2020) and her had remained in contact as she’d helped raise two of his kids from other relationships and one of the kids is in her exes custody that she’s had to testify for in the past and she loves those kids. Every experience I’ve had when kids are involved is you form two relationships: one with your partner and one with the kids. Being a big part of a child’s life then getting ripped away is nothing I’m keen on and I’ve seen it done right. So…I felt I was above understanding. Until her ex shows up at a festival she’s working and that emotional time bomb I told her would happen it did and she ended the relationship. Less than 24 hours later.

After four months. No explanation and having to go off second hand info to accept things and have some kind of closure…she calls after the death of her grandmother. Said it was a slap in the face and while yes there’s history there and trauma and she was already overwhelmed with other things in life (work and something about the seriousness of the relationship scaring her after her last marriage went this way?) it doesn’t excuse how she treated me. She sought medical help for anxiety and realizes how bad she screwed up. Being with someone who valued who she is and seeing that regardless off her ex being kinder I guess? It’s not like he truly cared about her. I told her I forgave her but I had finally started talking to someone and I didn’t know how that was going to go but at the same time I couldn’t lie and say I hadn’t wished for this day for months…but while I’m glad if she got closure REGARDLESS I can’t just drop everything and pretend it never happened. If it was doable…sure. Not just because of unique history either. But she’s gotta put in the work and I’m not going to give her a 12 step program to just “check off”

Understanding how much she wants to be a mother and always has (heck. It’s something we had even wanted) I get how this affected her. And yes. In my mind she is guilty for creating an opening even if she didn’t invite him (which let’s face it…to whatever degree she did…she still did). We live 4 hours apart so in reality she could’ve have felt things out and lied about it. Because she travels for work we shared our locations (with us driving back and forth I really didn’t care to leave it on. Nothing to hide and she agreed) I get that’s like saying “but at least I didn’t die” after getting stabbed.

I’m not asking whether I believe her or not…because no matter to what degree she pulled the trigger on us and shattered that trust. Do I personally see it happening again…? No. Do I get it? Well shoot…I just said I believed I was able to move on and start talking to someone before this gut punch landed…so yea.

WHAT IM ASKING is for anyone that has had a one sided separation or sure even straight up cheating that you have worked through or tried…success or failure idc. I wanna hear it. I want to know where your mindset was before vs now. Did any therapy or other circumstances positively or negatively affect it. Regardless at the end of the day that’s my decision I have to live with for better or worse. To everyone thinking “she’ll just do it again” you mean vs someone who hasn’t…yet?

TLDR: ex ended relationship for a chance to fix a trauma bond, realized this would never work and apologized, wants to work things out knowing it will be a lengthy road.