I literally have been balling my eyes for the past few months. Long story short she got caught sleeping at a guys house parents got involved ect… she was sneaking around. Ive been in a serious relationship with her for past 4 years planning on engagement this year.

She apologized and made it known that she only ever wanted me and all that crap. Saying shes sorry and im sure you can assume the rest of the crap they always say in these situations.

I love this girl so much i have never met anyone in my life that i have loved this much. Unfortunately i decided to forgive her and try to work things out with her. Few weeks later Caught her texting the same guy again. The same feelings of betrayal rushed back in. Her excuse this time is that she wanted closure from him to move on in life with me. Pisses me the fuck off when people think were so gullible. She swears and swears that im all she wants and when im with her she is not short on making me feel loved shes trying to do better.

A part of me is afraid of losing her because i genuinely feel i will never love anyone after her. Like ever. This would have really put a bitter taste in my mouth and i will not want to entertain any potential relationship bs.

Another part of me is screaming to me that i am about to sign up for a life misery and anxiety just being with this girl. She was supposed to be my peace. My love my everything. Now i cant sleep at night knowing she is probably talking to someone the trust is gone. She is capable of hurting me.

My love for her is turning into obsession, obsession of making sure shes not cheating on me. Shes not talking to anyone else.

How am i supposed to put a ring on her!! How am i supposed to give her what i had promised her. Im so devastated idk what to do. I wish there was a solution of not leaving her. Im trying my best to be an understanding man and have lots of open communication with her but i legit cant fathom the idea that you gave access to another man. What is my guarantee that you wont do that again.

Im split between decisions. I miss my old self that didn’t care about much and was genuinely happy and secure with himself.

Im contemplating suicide i can’t talk to anyone i know because i dont want anyone to ever view her as less than what i viewed her…

Idk what to do i cant stop this hole in my chest it keeps growing and growing im so scared of making the wrong choice of following my heart instead of my gut ?

EDIT ( please excuse me if i dont reply to your responses promptly i assure you that i am reading every single one and i love you all for caring so much to spend even a minute of your time on this thread! I dont have friends i trust enough to share this information with so YOU are all i have tonight)