Not sure how to start this, I understand that it is strange & controversial. When it's good it's great, & when it's not.. I find myself making these posts. My stances switch so much on my relationship & it makes it 10x harder to leave.

when we met I was a lot skinnier & shapely ( & stupid) - not to mention I was also like a fresh adult as disgusting as that sounds. I think maybe my frontal lobe is developing early because now at 22 I'm starting to regret getting into this relationship.

I feel like a roommate, my mental health is declining.. never asks me how my day is, doesn't ask to spend time with me. ( I always do) like for example I asked him he wanted to go for a walk. He says sure. & then later we get home & I asked him " why did you go with me?" He responds with " because you wanted me too". That is the epitome of how he acts all the time. & the really annoying part is.. he does everything in his power to not make eye contact with me. It's so sad to love someone & they can't even look at you. He has admitted before that our relationship makes him feel guilty & that is why..

& then one time recently, his way of telling me to lose weight was " I would look at you more if you were skinnier". He has gotten so big that his stomach sticks out over his you know what. I'm a tall girl, with long legs & only 165. My younger self was 150. That's not that big of a difference. Idk the whole thing pissed me off & made me sad. I have to remind myself that I am beautiful. & the weird thing, he does too? But then says things like that & doesn't make eye contact.

I'm also LAST for everything. Even in intimacy. I'm in no way a priority. For 2 years I have waited for him to fix my rear differential on my car. & I've tried to make an appointment by myself to see a mechanic & he tells me no to let him do it & then it just never gets done.

You might ask why i haven't changed my situation. I'm scared. That's the reason. I have a place to go (my parents). They are in a different state & they know my situation, his age, & they still love me & welcome me with open arms back home. I'm scared of the feelings I will feel when I am lying awake at night at my parents, missing his warmth. I stay & I stay time and time again because I am scared to feel those feelings.

We have lived together for 3 years, it's nice. I don't have to work - & honestly with my mental health i dont think I can anymore. He provides, he protects me, he buys me things. I think that's all he wants to do is give me materialistic items because he doesn't understand or know how to have a relationship. ( his last ex of 18 years cheated with her highschool sweetheart & he divorced her.) I should tell you that he got into a lot of alpha male ideas, books, how - to things after that happened; according to his mom.. his bestfriend.. so I think somewhere after that relationship ended something messed up. He's emotionally immature & has even admitted to me " why would I give myself to you at maximum if you are just going to leave anyway". & it's like that's life? That's love? I pour out my heart for him.

& don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. I have many problems as later stated.

The ultimatum here is that I feel things that aren't what I felt when I was 18, 19, 20. Then I felt beautiful, I was and I still am.. I guess. I felt like he loved me more then. He took me on trips, movies, to do small things. I feel pushed aside, not respected. I mean he doesn't even want to spend time with me anymore. Sometimes I tell myself to reframe from speaking to him the whole day just to see if he notices & he never does. I'm being emotionally abused by him & by myself. I've also put all my self worth in this guy so maybe that's the problem too.

Can someone please give me any advice, or any support or just any..thing. I do go to therapy, & my therapist does know all these things. I guess some things to note is I have co depenceny & avoident disorder along with Borderline personality, OCD, ptsd. It's already hard as it is.

I want raw advice, give it to me like I'm someone you love. I don't care how not nice it is. I understand I'm dumb, I understand it was a bad decision. I need extra help.. from elder, from young, from anyone