Ever since I finished grad school in May of last year, I've had to constantly live with and be the only witness to problems that my mom has to go through every day. I can't do anything about it to help her resolve it quickly. I feel like it's gone on longer than it should have. Everything should've resolved itself for her by now, but it hasn't. I also have to be on the receiving end of her stress because I'm the only other person in the house. A simple way to put it is that I'm stressed because she's stressed, and it pains me to see her stressed.

The source of her problems stems from her work and her need to apply for another job that should've already happened by now. If I could only take a few months to apply, interview, and land a job at a large firm while still in college, then she could've attained a position as much as a year ago. With the vast and diverse work experience she's had at various other companies, I don't get, for the life of me, why no one else would hire her.

However, she's convinced herself that every single device in the house has a microphone or camera or other device that can listen to every single word either of us say, even when a device is turned off. I don't know how much of it's true, but I believe her to the extent of her work and personal devices (personal cell phone and laptop). However, it's too much of a stretch when she thinks that her work, more specifically her managers, can be able to listen to devices like the digital refrigerator, the living room TV, or her car which has a computer/microphone inside it. It's an even further stretch when any of those aforementioned devices are completely turned off, even unplugged, but somehow still listening. For example, when she's saving a word file, she hears the TV make a "clicking sound". I think it could just be anything and nothing more than a coincidence. I also think she's overly paranoid, which I'm concerned about for the sake of her mental health. She goes to a nearby library to circumvent this process, but oftentimes, she can't because it's either too late or she's too busy with work.

Because of this, from time to time, she wants to use my devices, more specifically my phone, or laptop, since she thinks her work wouldn't check on my devices since I use them on a normal basis for my own purposes. She wants to use my devices to, for example, update her resume, apply for another position, or check her stocks, which can take as long as a few hours on some days. If I initially say "no", she says that she does all these things like "take the trash out" or "wash the dishes" or just says that she just "does everything in the house so you can just take 2 minutes to do this for me". She basically tries to guilt/gaslight me into thinking that I don't do enough in the house, even though I work to secure a good career for myself and do chores around the house too. I have to continue working because I have a professional licensing exam I need to pass to further advance my career. If I don't pass at least a few sections of this exam by the end of the year, I'll be put at a greater risk of termination because of being perceived as useless, unreliable, or inferior to my coworkers.

On another topic, because I'm in my 20s, I want to enjoy my youth and experience everything before I grow old and become unable to do so in around 5 years. This involves going out to bars and other social events, more often than not, alone since it's much harder to plan things with the few friends I have. Additionally, I just don't want to miss out on anything anymore. However, since I live with mom, she wants and expects me to come back at a certain time, and sometimes, she'll call me sometime during the late night. When I do plan for these events, I have to lie to her and say that I'm meeting with friends when really I'm going alone. If she knew that I was going alone, she wouldn't want me to go at all. If she's out of town, I want to stay as late as I can at a place. However, sometimes, I have to answer a call she makes around a late time on a weekend night to make sure I'm "safe". When that happens, I have to run to someplace quiet to make her think I'm home alone to get her off my back. If I were living in my own place, I could walk and/or Uber to nearby events, bars, and venues anytime I please. Even if that's the case, I'll still be responsible and not lose sight of furthering my career. I want to be free, not stupid.

Bottom line is that as long as I'm under my mother's roof, she'll always be holding me back in more ways than one. I want, more than anything else in my life, to be my own person independent of anyone else, especially my mom. I could feasibly move out now and move closer to the bigger city where my work is, but I can't right now because I fear my bank savings account would fall from 5 figures to 4 after the first likely overwhelming deposit amount and rent/utility payments. If I get an apartment with "cheap" rent, I could eventually be criticized by my family and my coworkers for being "cheap". My desired range of apartment monthly rent is $1,000-$1,400. I don't know if that qualifies as cheap, but I'm not saying I'll live there forever. I'm saying that I'll keep living there for at least a year or two until I find a much better place to live. Maybe a house eventually. I make around $4,500 per month, so maybe I could wait a little longer and stick it out. Maybe until the end of the year or as far as the start of next summer. As of now, the only other necessary payments I have to make are a small student loan debt and my phone service bill.

Right now though, I just want to get away from my mom and not have to live with and witness her problems anymore. I can't do much to help her. However, don't confuse it for not loving her anymore. I will always love her, and will still see her every now and then after moving out, but I just want my own space away from her so that her problems, stress, and watchful eye aren't as frequent or recurring in my life and holding me back anymore.