recently i've been struggling so bad with the aftermath of the abuse that happened to me at the hands of my ex girlfriend, i still think about it everyday because i get constant intrusive thoughts and memories of it and anything that slightly reminds me of her i get super anxious and i get intrusive thoughts so i try to get avoidant of all things that remind me of her. it's been such a long hard journey, it's been so hard to even cope. everytime i open up about it to someone i just start immediately crying without warning, it's so painful.

i still think of all the things that she said to me, all the ways she was aggressive with me and demanded sex, the cheating and her being remorseless about it and refusing to block the guy she cheated on me with and looking me in the eyes just to say no that she won't block him. all that just to cry and "apologize" to me when i told the guy she cheated on me with everything and he didn't take it well and left her. she even told that guy when he asked if she even cared about me, she said straight up that she doesn't care about me at all, even after she "apologized" for abusing me. she also said that she doesn't have any remorse about the abuse she gave me point blank.

i still think of the threats of violence towards me like when she raised her fist at me and said “oh you’d let me beat you up wouldn’t you” and the things she said even after she apologized and we got back together again. she fr told me when i asked her if she can be committed to me that she doesn't know and she's just so young and that literally her words not mine "she wants to be a whore" with the biggest smile on her face even though we were together and she literally just apologized for cheating on me a couple days before. not to mention the time she said that she cheated on me because the other guy was more attractive than me and said that she wishes i was more muscular and that i should lose weight. i felt so ugly and horrible inside, i couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore.

she made me feel so worthless and it kills me inside because it feels like she hurt me and didn't like me because of things i couldn't even control. i never did anything to her and she literally tried to claim i was being abusive because i tried to help her get off drugs and she tried to emotionally manipulate me to "save her" and abandon my family to run away together and she got mad at me that i didn't. i remember her turning her back to me and giving me the cold shoulder saying “here’s your greatest fear, your girlfriend mad at you” because i was so scared of her being mad at me and leaving me. after that she ran away and went to go live in a homeless shelter and cheated on me the first day she went to a resource center when i was completely unaware and broke up with me the next day saying it's because i didn't go save her when she wanted me to.

i also remember when i was really suicidal because i was dealing with the after effects of her abuse, i tried to talk to her for comfort and again she kept trying to convince me to run away from home and abandon my family and that “i just need to touch grass and make friends” being completely dismissive of my feelings and cold and i remember when i tried to open up and say the reason i feel horrible was because she abused me, she tried to tell me that she doesn’t want to be with a man who doesn’t love himself and tried to put the blame on me that it was my fault i feel this way because i allow myself to hate myself. she also said i flip flop so much because i told her that im scared of her (which i was) and that i still love her and want to be with her even despite that. she tried to make me feel like i was wrong for just wanting to love her even though she abused me. she made me feel like such a burden, i always felt like to her it was such a chore to talk to me.

i remember even after she apologized to me she kept trying to pressure me to get over what she did and told me stuff like "i don't understand how you're not over it yet" or "just detach from me already" and shit like that made me feel so awful inside, i hated it so much when she tried so hard to push me away. i remember her after she confessed about how she wants to cheat on me again, i told her that it's so messed up what she said and for some reason she kept begging me to point blank abuse her and told me that she wants me to hang up on her face and that she wants me to punish her like she deserves for saying all that stuff and for cheating on me. she kept begging me to abuse her and i refused, i told her straight up i will never abuse her and she kept telling me "cmon i know you have it in there, just hang up on me, abuse me, i want you to beat me." i was absolutely disgusted and shocked, just seeing her like that was so fucking scary and it's so hard to get it out my mind.

we ended up lasting together up until last week where she decided to end things because she finally went back home and told her dad everything that happened between us and she said that she just can't be in a relationship right now because she doesn't want to hurt me anymore and i understand that but i can't help but feel the only reason she was with me again was because she needed company when she was alone in that homeless shelter but then when she went back home she decided to push me away again and drop me. i feel so used up and broken. ironically before we broke up that day she was being so rude again to me and talking shit about my mom and was pushing me away saying that i need to make friends and that i need to fuck bitches and what not and she's just such a abhorrent person it's taken every bone in my body to forgive her and not be angry at her for being so fucking horrible. even at the end she couldn't help being terrible and said that i'm too "childlike" for her and that she wants someone who treats her bad and just thinking about it gives me such big anxiety and it makes me so depressed, she always made me feel like i did something wrong or i was never good enough and it always makes me feel so horrible inside. i can't tell you the times i felt so suicidal and depressed.

she just put me through the wringer and i need some support because i just feel like no one understand what i'm going through and i just want someone to tell me it wasn't my fault what happened. i can't stop thinking about everything and i feel so worthless. :(