I (18F) have been with my long distance partner (18-NB) for 3 months and they let it slip yesterday that they only introduced me to their mother as a ‘friend’.

For Context, My partner has always had a wall up for me. I noticed but I worked around it. I’d be the one who’d say “I’ll visit you” “I’ve been working on projects for you, once I can afford to send it I can’t wait for you to see it” “I came out to my parents and told everyone about you” “I’ll come there to take you to prom and will be there for your graduation, I’m sorry we’re long distance.”

I’d usually get a laugh or a beautiful smile, and my heart had already booked a ticket to then and fell harder. I tried not to notice the way they always changed the topic after or how they were never as excited as I was about loving us. I’ll admit this is my first relationship and it took a month of going over boundaries, making sure this was what my partner wanted, and making sure I was in the right mindset to provide or at least grow into it to become official. When they popped on my fyp I was mesmerized so much that I almost refreshed my screen and never commented some stupid flirting thing that made them laugh and flirt back. That turned into tagging each other in stupid videos before I accidentally dmed them and before I knew it I was on call a few weeks later with their mom showing me baby pictures of them.

Their family is half ‘perfect family from those medicine ads’ and half ‘Shameless family’. They have their quirks but I love them so much. First off the mom is an absolute empress and lights up a room (I see where it came from now), she has fought for her kids AND her own happiness for years and makes sure anyone in that house is supported. The brother is so sweet and this one time me (on call), him, and my partner just sat on the porch and we just talked and listened to one another. Or other times I’d be propped up on a table and watched movies or the games the two siblings would play with one another. He looks out for my partner all the time and makes me and them cackle on so many occasions hehe. The stepdad I haven’t interacted with but I’ve over heard him and he’s very funny and friendly as well. They’re such a tight knit family that have each other’s backs in anything and have been SOOO welcoming.

And the reason why I even included that part (not just to gush over them) but THEY TREAT ME LIKE MY PARTNER’S GF MORE THAN MY OWN PARTNER🧍‍♀️. The mom showed me baby pictures, said she was happy for partner’s name, complimented me on how nice and sweet I am- I was so happy and proud about making a ‘good impression’ on the their family that I told my partner and yknow what they said? “My mom is nice like that- She gets along with everyone like that”. And that…hurt. Some other comments happened following that about how “I can do ___ whenever I wanted, you wouldn’t change it” which I understand and respected but the way they said it is what mattered. It hurt but I laughed it off, told myself to focus on their point not tone. It was their boundary it wasn’t a big deal, it’s what I kept repeating to myself.

But after the infamous 3 month mark, something changed. My partner became more of my partner finally. They said every Thursday could be our weekly call day and was cutely trying to schedule more things around our 3 hour time difference. They said that they’d fly to ME (even though they have a fear of flying) because it’s too expensive to put on me. They started to show more effort and gush more. They publicized their personal Instagram and talked to me more openly about boundaries or talking about each other on social media (Because I promoted their art and gushed about them to my friends, followers, anyone who’d listen to a romantic, with their permission since they used to be so paranoid about it I started asking out of habit even when they said it’s fine). They have more interest in what I talk about and I feel like I truly have fallen even harder.

But when recently after we called (had to end the call cause they were going with their mom). They typed to me saying that (I’m just going to copy and paste the text message) “Which by the way, off topic in a sense, but earlier in the store, she was talking to me and she was like "is she your friend or your person" (like how she had the step dad’s name, who makes her feel comfortable n all that) and it's like "yeah- that's the perfect way to describe it" You're my person”.

I was over the moon and was giggling like a lil kid the whole time and said back “And you’re my home, which is why I sometimes say “Welcome Back” cause I’m home again or rather my home came back”, and they started cutely tripping over themselves in texts.

But ofc I later realized the other pull at my stomach, “is she your friend”. The one thing I made sure of was that my partner was NEVER a secret, I came out to my parents and told them about us. Also their parents are the most supportive parents I’ve ever seen, the mom is bisexual and the brother is a trans man and my partner is non binary all of them are RESPECTED and loved. How many calls did we flirt and laugh on WITH your family around just to not be called Girlfriend? Is this one of those “I choose when to tell them-” situations? Cause your family already kinda figured by the looks of it and you when l told you that I came out for you, your response seemed to say you did the same thing 😭😭😭. You had a gf before me what’s the matter now? I want to be established in their life, I want to be their gf in public not in private. I won’t ask them to match my love for them but I don’t want this to feel like a friendship til you figure out when to give me a participation medal/title of ‘girlfriend’. I love being your person but that not including also being your gf hurts because you are my future, my home, my lover, and my Evangeline dream partner. I don’t care if you can’t match me, I want you to respect and love me in your love language or say you don’t want this dammit.

I’d rather them say “Oh I’m anxious” or “I prefer a private relationship” or “blah blah”, I’m not asking for a boundary renovation I just don’t want to be a secret that you CHOSE not to tell your family even when you didn’t mind a public RELATIONSHIP. I want us. I want this future and I want to build it for them, I want to be better for them- and that still hasn’t changed even when this hurts. I don’t know how to let it go or how to talk to them about this or what to do but I know talking about/acknowledging that hurt is important. They didn’t even realize 3 months went by until I told them and that was after this. You finally tell your friends about me when my friends said I was “mypartner’snameromantic”. And ofc now it’s okay cause you’re putting effort into me but if you had just said “Hey at 3 months I’m going to tell people about us” I’d be way less hurt. I don’t know how to bring up the communication thing when things are so good right now but I know that right now foundation and speaking up for my needs for honesty is more important.

So I’m here to ask what I should do? I want advice on how to feel, how to help build a boundary, how to make sure they feel loved and understood but also know that not saying “Oh I haven’t told anyone, I’m taking it slow and work on that communication. I love them unconditionally and as I grow to be the partner they deserve, I want to make sure that they can always be honest with me. I’m so upset due to the words they said and for pushing it down. I blamed myself for ruining an otherwise beautiful and happy moment and turning it into a big deal. I gave myself a big hug tho and thought about it before deciding to ask advice on here. I am a coward when it comes to risking my own relationship and due to this being my first I really don’t know any communication techniques.

Thank you for your time and I’m so sorry I write so much, I’m a huge rambler and I feel awful talking not good things for once behind their back. I just want to know how to put my feelings first and how to communicate with them instead of against them. I love my partner and even if things don’t work out after this, I want to be completely upfront with my feelings and to not bottle this up in my own relationship . Thank you for everyone’s patience (in reading my 5 am grammar), Take care everyone and thank you again.