hi all. i’m really conflicted on how to feel about something that happened between my fb and i a few months back. we met on hinge toward the end of last year — never went on dates or anything, literally just hooked up the day we matched. we hooked up on and off from october - january and generally i was either high/drunk and he was usually drunk. the first few times we hooked up we would generally, just talk a bit, hook up, and i’d be on my way, we met at his apartment every time. there was never any penetration and he didnt seem bothered by the fact that i didn’t want him to finger me/ have penetrative sex .. until the last time we saw each other

he never really did anything that made me feel uncomfortable and seemed like a nice guy overall. but, in january (the last time i saw him) i came to his place basically wasted on a weekday, and im convinced he was sober. he started to go down on me and i felt him about to finger me. i said “no fingers!” and he went “shhhh” and since i was so drunk i didn’t fight it a second time. i’m just surprised because in the past if i said no fingers he would be fine with it. i wonder if i should’ve put up a stronger fight or maybe he thought i wasn’t that bothered by what he was doing, im not sure.

as he was going down on me, i feel like i was disassociating and just letting it happen because of the state i was in. eventually, i tried to push his head away from me, and he grabbed my wrist and pinned it down. once again, i didn’t fight it a second time or say anything. maybe he thought i was reacting out of pleasure. eventually, things stopped we talked a bit before i left his place. as i was about to leave, he gave me a really strong hug and started kissing me and then all of a sudden stuck his hand in the back of my pants and stuck a finger up me again for a second right before i left. the next morning i was sober, felt sore, and just started crying for the whole day. for some reason, i decided to hook up with him again one more time after this happened (like a week after) and realized i was no longer enjoying linking with him, and that was the last time i saw him. he called me a hoe that time too when we were chatting, but whatever i guess.

ever since this has happened, i feel completely different as a person. i think about this every day, but i just don’t know why i feel the way i do. i randomly cry whenever i think about this, notice myself stop in the middle of walking whenever this thought pops up into my head, just spacing out of nowhere. but for some reason i still have interest in him??? i notice myself checking his socials constantly, trying to see what he’s up to. he’s texted a few times in the past few months to see if i’d be willing to hook up again, and i’ve either said “maybe another time” or ignored him because for some reason i want to keep the door open because i feel like i have a crush on him or something? i just don’t know why i’ve been going through the motions of crying, feeling angry and violated, and then thinking of him as a crush all at the same time. was i sexually assaulted? why do i have such a strong interest in him now?