This is going to be a long one I think and I’m going to start with some back story. I (28F) first met my now (29M) ex in 2019. I’m going to call him S. We went on one date, nothing came of it, found out he was already in a relationship for two years at that point. We didn’t speak at all after that. Fast forward to March of 2021 he reached back out wanting to work out together. Being snarky, I asked what his girlfriend would think. S told me they broke up and she moved back to her home state which borders ours. I don’t know why I believed him.

We hung out at the gym for about two weeks before having our first official date in April of 2021. Things were going really well and we decided to make it official about a month and a half later, using our first date date as the anniversary date. Fast foreword again to September and he broke up with me out of the blue stating he doesn’t know if he can be in a relationship anymore. Was I hurt? Of freaking course. I didn’t take it well as this was my first relationship in a few years following an abusive one. But he helped me through it and we remained friends.

About two months or so later he tells me his roommate was his ex. They were still dating when we started going out in April and said they broke up shortly after they started dating, but had to remain living together due to their lease not expiring until the end of the year. I felt crushed. He really seemed like a genuine and honest man and now I was finding out he lied to me the entire time we were together, cheated, and made me the other woman. I never would have continued to see him had I known. It turns out he didn’t want to break up with me in September. His ex found out who I was and said if he didn’t tell her the truth, she would. So be dumped me.

Don’t ask me why, but we remained friends and when his lease expired he moved in with me. He was giving me $1k a month to help cover rent and utilities, he wasn’t living with a stranger, and yes sex was involved but there wasn’t a relationship. Seemed like a win-win. New years rolls around so we’re entering 2022. He tells me he wants to get back together and I initially didn’t want to give him another chance but there was something that told me to anyway. Things were going okay — not perfect although I don’t think any relationship is — until there was an issue with building maintenance and upkeep that let to pest control issues. That put a strain on our relationship and we ended up moving together to a different part of the city in November of 2022. The leading office let me in a few days early to clean and the actual lease began in December. Things got so much better in our new place. He eventually told me he saw me as someone he can spend his life with and that he cherishes, and I took that to heart.

In March of 2023 we found out I was pregnant but it was ectopic. The doctors gave me methotrexate to force the passing of tissue. It was painful, physically and emotionally, but he was there every step of the way. I wouldn’t say it put a strain on our relationship. We even renewed our lease in December of 2023 for two more years. So obviously we both thought the relationship was in a good enough, a strong enough place. But towards the beginning of 2024 I felt like we began acting more like roommates. Less dates, more eating dinner then bed. Sex was still there although we went from every day to a few times a week.

In April of this year we had a long discussion where I said I was at the end of my rope. I didn’t say I’m breaking up with you, I didn’t say it’s over, I said things needed to be different they needed to change. He apparently left that convo thinking the relationship was over, I left it thinking otherwise, no one clarified. But we continued having sex, being intimate, saying I love you, using pet names, even had his mom over once. Why would I think it was over if it was business as usual? During this time I even needed a surgery and introduced him to the nurses as my boyfriend. He had a chance to correct me there and after surgery if he truly thought we were over but he didn’t. And he now admits he led me on until he started talking to someone new.

About two weeks ago he randomly made a comment that I had broken up with him. I was so taken aback I asked what he was talking about. He brought up the April conversation and I brought up how nothing changed in our interactions so again, why would I think we weren’t together? Turns out he started talking to someone and they went on a date last weekend. That caused me to spiral.

He apparently had three months to move on but for it it felt like we had JUST broken up and he was already seeing someone. I stopped eating and I’m not going to lie I drank more than I usually do. He was there to help and encourage positive behaviors, we had lots of talks, but he was clear — the relationship was over. He loved me, but wasn’t in love with me, the usual things you hear. He told me I needed to accept reality. I told him I accept it and I know what the reality is, and that’s what hurts me. For three years to just go out the window like that and for him to move on so easily hurts. He said well his last relationship was four years. I told him that didn’t matter to me, I’m talking about OUR relationship so yes I’m hurting. He said I focus too much on the past memories, that he doesn’t think of them so it’s easy for him to move on. He said his heart wasn’t in the relationship since April and he thinks he takes after his father (serial marriage hopper and baby mom maker, cheated on everyone). He suggested I speak to his mother to see if she felt how I felt and maybe that would help me. Note: His mom and I talk, she calls just to check in on me and I really enjoy our conversations. So it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary.

I asked him last week if he told this new girl, we’ll call her N, that he lived with his ex. S initially said yes then said he lied and hadn’t told her yet. I told him he needs to be truthful. That is information any woman would want to know before getting into something with a man. He told me he would tell her on their date last night. Note: He rides a motorcycle and gave her our address to pick him up for their date tonight. I told him they was wildly inappropriate and didn’t want her knowing my address but it was too late. I asked him what he was going to do if she asked to come in when she picked him up or dropped him off and he said he was going to tell her tonight.

Last night around 9pm I went for an hour long walk then spoke with his mom. I spoke to her in my car which was parked in front of the building. I didn’t want him to come home while I was speaking to her because I wanted privacy. We spoke for a little over an hour. She felt bad I was hurting and validated all of my emotions. But she was surprised — whenever she calls him she asks how I am, how the relationship is, and he always says fine. So he even led his mother to believe we were together when we “broke up” in April. The conversation with her was nice. After, I debriefed with my friend and saw him walking inside so I thought I should head in.

He seemed confused I walked in the door and I explained I went for a walk then talked on the phone. His mom called while he was out, he missed it and returned it on his way in, she missed it then called back when I came home to tell him he was too tired to talk. He figured I spoke with his mom and looked really stressed. I asked why and he said it was because now his mom knew we broke up. I reminded him it was his idea for me to talk to her in the first place.

I asked S if he told N the truth about his living situation. He said yes, she had some questions but ultimately wanted to continue seeing him. I asked him what the questions were and one of them was when we broke up. He told her April. I said come on, that isn’t the whole truth. You had your mom and I believing things were okay, we had sex, said I love you, called each other baby, etc! He said April was when he checked out and I said without a formal conversation that doesn’t mean it was over. We were still having sex up until the night before.

I told him he needed to tell her the whole truth, I would have wanted to know back when I was in her situation. She deserved to know. He said he didn’t want to tell her and was leaving to go to a hotel. I don’t know if that was true. I think he may have been going to her because he had a slick smile. I asked him if that’s how he really wants this to play out — keeping her in the dark and not telling her everything despite telling me he wanted to work on being a better, honest man. He said yes.

When he left I called her. I had seen her number on his phone when he had their messages/call log up. To see calls and texts with a name and number I didn’t recognize made it obvious to me who it was. I memorized and wrote it down but had no intention of contacting her unless he didn’t tell her the truth. On the phone call I said “S told me he spoke to you about us tonight but he didn’t tell you everything. If it’s alright with you I would like to give you the full story”. She said okay. I gave her the back story and told her everything officially ended two weeks ago with the relationship. She said they weren’t in a relationship and were just getting to know each other, to hang out. I said that’s fine it’s just when I was in your spot I wish someone had told me. So woman to woman I wanted to tell you everything.

Apparently he told her he wants to move out and that we sleep in separate rooms. I didn’t mention this, but we’ve been having sex every night. We haven’t been doing relationship things, but we flirt in text a little bit and he gave no indication he wanted to move. Additionally we don’t sleep in separate rooms! I told her that second part respectfully. I said we sleep in the same bed every night and even woke up together this morning. She seemed a little taken aback but thanked me for the call.

This is where I think S was on his way to N and not a hotel like he said. After I got off of the phone with N I called S to tell him she knows the truth but he immediately sent him to voicemail. I texted him saying “The truth is out there. What ever happens with that happens, but it needed to be said. And by the way, the lie about sleeping in separate rooms was not right at all.” I left it at that. S came home 45 minutes after I got off of the phone with N which I thought was weird and again why I think he was going to her. He didn’t say a word and slept on the couch.

All of that drama finished around 3am this morning. My body woke me up at 6am and I was just in bed on my phone then turned the TV on low. He eventually got up for work, got ready, and left. Neither of us spoke to each other and I’m okay with that because last night was very intense. I don’t know what’s going to happen later. He may go live with his mom but still he obligated to pay rent here, he may just continue to ignore me and act like I don’t exist, but I feel very anxious with the simple fact of not knowing. My heart started pounding nervously when he suddenly came home last night and then again this morning when he came into the room to get his clothes. He won’t be home for another eight hours at least, if he even comes home at all. I’m not going to text him because I feel like he maybe needs to initiate the conversation if he wants to have one? I just feel like me reaching out to him would make things worse right now.

I’m already expecting to get comments about my taking him back in 2021, but respectfully I just wanted to provide the backstory as to why I felt like I needed to call her and why she needed to know the truth. I don’t think I did anything wrong by calling N. He didn’t want her to know the whole truth and it turns out he lied to her about how our situation is (or was?) re: sleeping situation. When I was in her position I WISH his ex told me everything. It would have made me make different choices from the beginning, and would have saved me the pain of finding out months later when feelings were involved.

TL;DR I told my ex's new fling about me and I'm not sure what to do moving forward. What would you do in my situation?