My (f25) husband (m28) and I have been married since April. We've been together for almost 3 years. Initially when we got together, we both said we were pansexual. Fast forward, 2 years into the relationship, he confesses that he's actually gay. He said I'm his only love and that he has feelings for me specifically and enjoys sex with me even though I'm a female. But, he said he craved dick. He wanted to have sex with men so badly that every time he drank he would breakdown and cry to me about it. It got to the point where my mental health couldn't take his depression on the subject any longer and I agreed to him having casual hookups with men. He said only if I agreed to sleep with women as well since I didn't explore my sexuality much in my younger years. He said it was because he wanted me to be happy in the open marriage as well. Well after a couple months I fell into a deep depression and we closed the marriage back. This just reignited his drinking and crying sessions. So I once again folded and let him go back to open marriage. I know, I'm an idiot. But, I need advice because every time I picture him fucking other guys I breakdown. I don't even want to have sex anymore. Why should I? I wasn't good enough for him in the first place but he doesn't want to leave our marriage since every other aspect minus sexual is perfect. We vibe so well together. I thought (before all this) that we were soulmates. Our relationship is the best one I've ever been in (until it opened). He hasn't stopped being loving toward me. In fact, since opening the marriage he's given me so much attention, sex, love, etc. But, I'm starting to resent him. He has a date coming up, and I know he's finally going to sleep with a man for the first time since being with me. I just want to crawl in a hole and pass away. How can I make myself more comfortable with this, because I want him to be happy, but I don't want to lose him. I don't think I'd survive separation. We have 4 kids together and he's the breadwinner. I'm a SAHM to our 10 month old. My family is all in another state. Leaving is not an option. How can I embrace non monogamy? I want to be able to enjoy this as much as him, but I can't even bring myself to sleep with someone else like he wants me to. I've stopped having sexual desires for him and for anyone else. Help?

TDLR

Husband came out to me as gay, I let him open the marriage, but I hate it and am starting to resent him.