TW: infidelity

TLDR: Husband and I are exploring ENM after a brief affair and are looking for guidance on rules and expectations.

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 6. We have 3 young children. We have a solid marriage now and have really worked to get to the place we are currently at.

In 2020 (during the pandemic), our marriage was failing. I told my husband I was unhappy and wanted a divorce. He refused and said he would change. I felt trapped, unheard, and unloved. I began an emotional affair which led to a full blown affair with someone. It ended after a couple months and I returned home. We went to marriage counseling and I received much needed mental health treatment. We are better and have a wonderful, honest supportive foundation. I have not strayed since this affair and do not even entertain the idea of being too friendly with men.

Fast forward to this year. My husband has been getting really into raves. He has been going to raves in a nearby city 2 hours away with some of his rave friends. A couple weeks ago my husband confessed to me that him and one of his buddies (41M) ended up hooking up- making out and oral sex on one another when they were messed up at the rave. His buddy is gay and now my husband is exploring the possibility he’s bisexual.

My husband had been acting weird since returning from EDC in Vegas. When he first approached me, I thought he would confess to sleeping with another woman at EDC, but instead he has been hooking up with his male rave buddy. They have hooked up a total of 4 times.

I am very open minded and feel that I would be the biggest hypocrite denying him an opportunity to experiment, considering my own cheating history. To this day, I still hate myself for hurting him and try to forgive myself but it’s hard.

Now that we are talking about ENM, we are trying to make rules. I am ok with him going to raves and doing his thing, as long as he comes home and is safe while hooking up.

This is where we are at an impasse. He doesn’t want me to date men, women only. He doesn’t like the idea of another man inside and he is worried about a repeat of what happened a couple years ago. I am absolutely ok dating a woman (I’m bisexual) but kind of annoyed at the double standard. I argued that it would be easier to find a man who is ok with the arrangement we are looking for than a woman.

We are posting to Reddit to hear your thoughts! Anyone in the ENM, swinging, open relationship community have any insights or guidance? How do we even start? What are some main concerns we need to address before really opening this up?