Hi all,

I just got out of a serious three year relationship and am struggling quite a bit with understanding myself in the breakup. We haven’t closed the possibility of getting back together sometime and I’m trying to sort things out.

Throughout the relationship, there was this push and pull of me feeling like I wanted more and her feeling claustrophobic.

I was far more romantic, wanted to spend a lot more time with her, and thought about her nonstop. She on the other hand, was deeply independent and very present with whatever she was doing. I admired her for that throughout the relationship and wanted to be more like her, but also would feel constant frustration at the lack of attentiveness.

For some examples: -I would shower her with words of affirmation and she’d usually reciprocate. But she would very very rarely say something like “you’re the best and I’m so deeply in love with you” without context.

-we didn’t have sex very often after the first year, and by the end it was very stale and plain despite my constant requests to work on it. She was always receptive to that but we never actually improved it. She was always too burnt out or stressed (with work but also with us)

-she would be incredibly happy to listen to me talk, but not often engage or ask questions about them. Even if we had a shared interest in it.

-she would reply to texts super slowly. I admired this about her and she texted me quicker and more than anyone else by far, but it was still slower than almost all my friends would reply to me.

-We were traveling for awhile and I had a birthday. She asked if we could do a big celebration early since her friend was visiting us, but that we’d do something on the day. She forgot my birthday (yes forgot the date) and planned over it, but as soon as she realized she felt horrible and did everything to make it right. She was incredibly sweet throughout it and it was only a product of who she is not of her love for me, but I couldn’t help but feel so hurt and unwanted by this. This is the essence of the issue.

-she was mildly sick for a few days and I’d been helping her with her dishes/cleaning the house/laundry. Basically overdrive. When she didn’t really text me much over the weekend I brought up that I felt unattended to and was feeling ignored, this is what caused the breakup as she said she was sorry I was upset but just couldn’t give me anything.

It wasn’t a lack of her trying or giving it her all, but that it felt like it never clicked with me in the way I wanted to receive love. It was always shown in forms I didn’t see as clearly (like giving me total freedom and space to explore the things I wanted. It was very freeing like that. Being there anytime an emergency came up. Being incredibly patient with me). She was also a super secure, inherently happy person.

I’m torn between this feeling of “I never felt love in the way I wanted” and “my codependency ruined a relationship when we were otherwise perfect for each other”. Which is true, it only lasted as long as it did because we were otherwise so deeply compatible.

I know I have some degree of codependency as I struggle being alone for long periods of time and I constantly thought about her and waited for her to text me 24/7 subconsciously.

But how much is this something I need to heal, and how much is me just wanting what I wanted? I’ve been really hard on myself for destroying what could’ve been a perfect relationship because of my crazy big desires, but maybe it’s just reasonable wants?

Any thoughts would be deeply appreciated. Thank you