I think I really messed up.I recently realised I had developed a crush on a friend of mine.

Some background about me because this is important to why I want to take a step back.I'm 19 and I have anxiety.I was diagnosed about 2 years ago.I ended up missing a month of school back when it first started because most days I was too afraid to even leave the house.Since then I've more or less gotten it under control to the point where I havent had a panick attack in nearly a year.

It does still exsist though and can be especially relevant in social situations.I find talking to people to be nerve wrecking and I struggle to talk about myself and things I enjoy,this is probably due to a lot of consistant bullying from age 7-16

I ended up meeting this girl a few months ago.She was really easy for me to talk to and I didnt feel nervous around her.I ended up developing a crush on her.

I had planned to tell her but last week I was hanging out with her and some other friends and she mentioned that she had a crush on one of her other friends who wasnt there at the time.I took this to mean that she wouldnt be interested in me if I told her and decided I was just gonna move on and try to remain friends.

I thought I was moving on ok but today was the first time I'd seen her since she said that and I was totally nervous around her to the point where I could feel parts of myself going numb which used to sometimes happen before I had a panick attack.I dont know why I feel this way now when I know I dont have a chance and never did before when I still thought there was a chance but I do.

I've been really nervous all day today because I know I'm gonna see her in class again tomorrow.I dont want my anxiety to get worse so I think I want to distance myself from her for a while so I can get my emotions in check.

I want to tell her this but I dont want to hurt her or make her feel bad.She knows I have anxiety(she actually does too) so I think shell understand but I really dont want to upset anyone

How should I tell her this?I dont want her to think shes done anything wrong or that this is her fault.I feel like I'm handling this awfully.I'm also worried that I'm gonna become one of those kinds of toxic dudes if I dont get over this fast enough so I've been trying to get over it as quickly as possible which I think is making it worse