My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, friends for 6 years (including our 3yr relationship), so we know each other pretty well by now. I finally pinned down a specific description for the behavior he displays that I’ve been struggling with, and it’s that he’s really defensive.

It’s odd because he’s usually super receptive when I tell him he’s upset me or confront him about larger issues. It weirdly seems like it’s just the small stuff that he gets really defensive about.

Example:

We like to “play” a lot physically, i.e. play wresting, he likes to pick me up a lot, etc. But he is a lot bigger than me, almost twice my weight, so I usually have to remind him of this difference when we play. Last night, he was just kind of fidgeting and squeezing my arm while we were watching TV, and I told him it was too hard. He said “I wasn’t even doing it that hard.” He always stops when I tell him to, but it’s really tiring to constantly hear stuff like “I wasn’t trying to hurt you” or “you do that to me.” I would much prefer that he just accept I don’t like what he’s doing and move on.

So how do I respectfully and productively tell him that his defensiveness is a problem for me and I’d like him to work on that behavior? I’d like advice from people who have been in similar situations, or who have realized that they are defensive and have tried to improve that behavior. My biggest concern is that he won’t understand what I’m talking about. So I want to be really clear and specific.