Please don't comment on the ages, don't need to deal with those comments right now. I get it, some people are shocked people get married young.

There's a lot that goes into this, but I think the biggest thing is that I don't feel loved, and haven't felt loved for awhile.

I've tried talking to him about this. I've tried telling him just the little things he could do to help me feel loved (like cuddling me without me having to ask first or holding my hand or playing with my hair or literally anything that involves him initiating physical contact that isn't sexual), and he says he'll work on it but he doesn't. I ask him to spend time with me and he only ever wants to if he's on his phone (playing games or on youtube), playing video games, or having sex. And by god does he prioritize games/youtube over me. He refuses to acknowledge this, but it's true. Even now he's in the living room playing video games when I asked him over an hour ago to spend time doing something with me. To talk to me. Anything other than fucking video games that he's been playing for around 5 hours now.

I don't know what to do anymore. He told me he wasn't feeling loved and I immediately asked what I could do to help him feel loved and started doing those things more often. I tell him I love him all the time, I initiate kisses more, I initiate sex more. I am trying to do what he needs to feel loved.

We're living in his mother's house right now, which is a very toxic place. She's fucking awful to him (and to me but I rarely care about me these days). I am trying to recover from my eating disorder and it's literally fucking impossible to do being here. I haven't told him this, but being here makes me want to hurt myself. So I have begged him to find somewhere else to go. I have plenty of family members that would take us in in a heartbeat. But he just says I can go, all because he doesn't want to move again and find a new job (he works 20 hours a week at a fast food place, not like it's some big important hard to find job, still valid not wanting to do that, but still) and be away from his family (only family member he'd be moving away from is the toxic mothet). Like, he'd rather lose me than move to a place that will benefit both of our mental healths.

I'm just at my wits end. I love him so fucking much, but I just don't get that same love and respect from him. But at the same time, I'm not strong enough to leave him. I've tried. I tell him I'm done and he asks why so I tell him, he apologizes and promises to work on it. And for a day he does! Then it's back to the same shit. Every single time I tell myself "this is the last time" and then it isn't. Even sitting here writing this, I know I'm not gonna leave him. I'd rather sit and be fucking miserable because hey, at least he isn't my ex or the guy who raped me.

Part of it is that I don't feel like I deserve better. I don't deserve sex that is fulfilling for me. I don't deserve someone who treats me right. I don't deserve to feel loved. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve a relationship that is fulfilling to me. I just don't deserve better.

I married him, so I'm stuck with him, as much as I want to leave and just find someone who will treat me good. But what if I don't? What if I find another abusive person? What if I just get raped again? At least being with him is a safe option, ya know? Sure, it hurts feeling so unloved especially when the biggest thing I need right now is to feel loved, but it'd hurt more being in an abusive relationship.

I don't know. I know what I should do. I know what I want to do. But I just can't do it.