I (f22) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (m19) for almost two months now. We met back in May and had been seeing each other exclusively for a few months and decided to be together. We are in an open relationship just as a preference, I don’t really understand how monogamy can work in your 20s. I don’t really understand monogamy at all. I do understand wanting to commit yourself emotionally to someone and having that be your main person. That’s where we are. We are each other’s mains I guess you could say.

I really am struggling to understand if he actually loves me. He tells me he does, but his actions don’t really show it. I give a lot of time and energy into this relationship, but he doesn’t really match it. He says that his love language is physical affection, but what I like to receive is words of affirmation and acts of service. I have been doing this for him, to try and show him what I like. A little bit ago I told him that I was in love with him. He said that he’s “never been in love” so he doesn’t really know what it feels like. It hurt quite a bit, I don’t know if that’s a scapegoat or if he genuinely meant that. He does tell me that he loves me though.

We’ve been apart from each other for the holidays. He is back home with his parents and I am in the town that we both live in. He needed somebody to watch his cat so I have been watching him. When I went over to his house to pick up the cat, he left me a note saying how much he appreciated me, how much he loved me, and how lucky he is to have me.

It felt great, but it was a day after we had a phone call and I was telling him how I felt like an afterthought and felt like he was giving more energy to the people he’s been having sex with. I was telling him what makes me feel loved and appreciated because I had been feeling a lack of that.

Part of me feels like he wrote me that letter as damage control rather than doing something as an act of love.

He is diagnosed as autistic/ADHD, he is younger than me, and he’s a little socially awkward so I can’t really tell what he thinks. I overthink it a lot.

I need some advice. Maybe things I can ask him, things I can do to feel more confident in what he tells me, etc.

How do I know if someone loves me? How does love work when you are this age?