Please help.

I feel awful.

I (42f) just asked my boyfriend (48m) of 10 months to move out. He genuinely loves me. I feel attached to him and have had many good moments. I will miss the hell out of him. We planned things together that we never did.

He didn’t listen to me when he moved in, I didn’t want him to move in. I asked him to move out a handful of times and each time he’d talk me into staying. He’d love bomb me and I liked it, things would get better and the cycle repeats.

I got suckered into paying for him. He didn’t contribute financially at all. He doesn’t want to move out because life would be hard. He wanted me for stability and family. This is destroying him. He is unkind to strangers and he finally started being unkind to my kids. They are afraid to come home if he’s there. That was the final straw.

I’m devastated. I wanted it to work. He’s great in a lot of ways but I can’t handle what I wrote above. I hate the idea of life without him.

I asked that he find his own place so we could still be together. He says he can’t. I told him it feels like he’s using me. He says he’s not. I promised my kids he wouldn’t be home when they came home. To comfort them, protect them and to hold myself accountable.

I added him to my health insurance a few months ago and paid for surgery he needed, thinking we might finally be able to do the things together we talked about, like dancing. Or he could go back to work and contribute. I’ve gotten fatigued as his caretaker and sugar mama. I never wanted any of that and I feel like a chump. I’ve spent all of my nest egg savings on him.

He never asked me to pay for him and has been grateful, I volunteered it in I hopes we’d get more comfortable together. But I saw how he treated the doctors and other people. He’s not a nice person.

He doesn’t mean to be this way, he has good intentions. I know he does. I love him. I believe him. I don’t want him to come to harm. He has suffered a lot in life and he adores me. He’s like a stray dog. He trusted me. I feel like I can’t kick him back to the streets.

I don’t believe he will ever pay me back or give me any “return on my investment” like dancing. I feel sick.

I feel like the right thing to do is to stay firm in my mind and get him out. All I want to do is tell him how much I love him and care about him, which is true, but that will make this yet another one of those cycles. It would make it especially cruel after kicking him out, maybe I need to rip off the band aid.

He did a lot for me, he cleaned the house, he cooked sometimes. He wanted to help more but I didn’t know how to ask for it. I’ve been a single mom for years, unlucky in love. Part of me wonders if I mismanaged this, I should have been better at communicating my needs and boundaries, that maybe we could have worked it out better. Sometimes it seemed to work well. I know in my gut this had to happen.

I feel awful. Like I led him to believe he had a stable life with me. He wanted to marry me on Halloween. He would tell this story differently, in a way that makes me seem more cruel and him more just. He wouldn’t be any more wrong than I am but I can’t light myself on fire to keep him warm anymore, especially if he’s mean to the kids.

I wish there was a way to make it work but I don’t believe in my heart it will. I hate this.

Can anybody help me feel better? Make him feel better? Any help for how to do things? He hasn’t left yet and says he can’t. The kids come home Sunday. I could leave his stuff on the front porch, change the locks and call the cops. Or I could tell him to not be home when the kids are there while he works out a place to be. But I’m afraid he’ll figure out a way to stay like all the previous times. I don’t have it in my heart to call the cops. I’ve never had to do this before, all my previous break ups were peaceful, with mutual understanding even if they hurt. This guy is like a splinter I can’t remove.

I need urgent help in how to communicate with him between now and Sunday.

Ugh!!

He’s definitely hurting more than me, I just feel like a terrible person and I will miss him. I will regret this. I’ve never felt so trapped or conflicted.