I am the first to admit my sense of humor can be very caustic at times. It used to be a lot worse and I’ve worked to simmer it down some over the years, but it can still be a bit biting.

Me and my current gf (who I love more and have connected with more than anyone I’ve dated in the past) bonded over our bash senses of humor, her Bumble bio included “pls be older mean and taller”- but over time it seems to be getting to her and she says over the past couple weeks that it’s chipped at her self confidence. It’s probably relevant to mention that we’re both autistic and horrible at social cues, and she’s recovering from BPD.

Another joke she put in her Bumble profile is that she’s “like a guy but if he was a girl,” and that is something I adore about her. She not in the least demure, she’s bold with her opinions, assertive, and has a demanding presence. She’s also built big at 5’9” and was deadlifting 215 pounds within a month of coaching her at the gym. These are things I absolutely adore about her, and naturally want to comment on - both sincerely and in a joking way.

But it’s become clear the past couple months that she’s very insecure with the way she looks and presents. I said something a couple weeks ago along the lines of “gatdamn look at those feetsies, you could kick a mans face off,” while holding and observing her foot like a rare gemstone. She immediately shutdown after this and became distant - later telling me how much this hurt her feelings.

I can understand how jokes like that can be hurtful, and I’m cognizant of the fact - though occasionally they still slip. The other problem is that when I’m trying to give a genuine compliment on her appearance, this is still taken poorly. She often says that she “wants to feel like a dainty lil lady,” and I understand why and I’ll accommodate, but that’s not why I’m dating her - I’m attracted to he because she’s built powerfully, physically speaking anyway.

I’m at a loss: I don’t want to hurt her and a piece of my souls breaks when I’ve upset her - but how do I walk the fine line between how she feels about herself, and how I feel about her?

TLDR: Girlfriend and I both have brash communication styles, but is sensitive about the things I enjoy about her. How do I reconcile my feelings and actions with her thoughts and emotions?