Hi all,

I deeply appreciate any advice you have to offer here. I feel quite anxious writing this post because I fear the worst, but I'm hoping to get other opinions.

My partner (25F) and I (26M) have been together for about 4 years, and when we first started dating, we had a wonderful and fulfilling sex life. We've been living together for the past 2 years, and for most of that time, we've had a dead bedroom (sex less often than once a month). We've developed a cycle where we'll go without, I'll feel dejected and bring it up with her, and we might have it once or twice before things repeat.

When we talk about why things are as they are, it's been a mix of past trauma for her, being distracted by the things in her life that weigh her down, and not having what I think of as spontaneous desire (leading to low libido). She's reassured me every time we have the conversation that she's attracted to me, and we're very heavy on PDA as a couple (not making out of course, but always touching each other if out). She said we had sex more at the start of our relationship because I was initiating more. I suppose the natural course of things would've been me feeling as though things were one-sided. I also have pretty rough self-esteem, so rejections from her leave me not wanting to try again.

It's become clear as well that what she needs to get in the mood is a good deal of lead-up and atmosphere (candles, music; she likes to smoke beforehand as well but I'm not a fan of only having sex with my partner when she isn't sober). I understand that romance in sex is a positive, but it feels like there needs to be an evening of scene-setting for it to happen, as though every time were Valentine's. This is something I could see for special occasions or the odd date night, but as someone who would be happiest having sex ~2-3 times a week, that's simply too much to ask (I'm in grad school, do most of the chores, and have been dealing with depression for ~9 years).

What we have is a good relationship, and she's genuinely the kindest soul I've ever gotten to know, but what it sounds like I'm agreeing to is having to initiate for the rest of my life, and when I do, it needs to be with significant preparation. I don't want to lose her, but while I feel things could improve short-term, I'll lose steam eventually and we'll be back in the same rut.

I'm happy to provide any more info here and again thank you all for your time.