she came over the other night and she was in kind of a down mood. when she’s like that she typically processes it by acting really goofy and we wrestle and tease each other. which is actually kind of fun and makes her feel better and we usually have a playful wrestle and settle in for tv and cuddling. but this time i spontaneously started to unbutton her pj shirt button by button. she was laughing and rolling around. i eventually unbutton the shirt, and it wasn’t a sexual thing at all, i didn’t grab her boobs or anything. it was just a playful moment and we even joked around more after, then watched tv till we fell asleep

then she texted me a couple of days later saying it triggered her and while she was ok mentally it sent her body into fight or flight and she got really sad about it the next day. she does have a history of sa, and i feel terrible and stupid for having done that. i just wasn’t thinking and it was an impulsive funny moment to me. and it’s not outside the realm of how these things go either. sometimes she bites me or slaps me or pushes me off the bed and it’s always been in good fun. yes i know we may seem weird but it’s how we play and it’s never been an issue before

when she texted me i apologized and didn’t make excuses and assured her it wouldn’t happen again and that she was valid to feel that way. however it sounds like it really depressed her. we’re supposed to meet to talk tomorrow and i’m a little nervous and not sure what other steps i can take to make her feel better and safe. i don’t want to be defensive but i also want it to be clear that it wasn’t my intention to trigger that in her and in the moment it felt in line with our usual play, but that i understand now why it triggered her and that it won’t happen again.

i love her very much and i want to make sure i don’t say the wrong things. the last thing i want is for her to feel invalidated, but i also don’t want her to begin to feel subconsciously unsafe with me. she has already been texting less and a little more dry the past couple of days and my anxiety is preparing me for the worst