Disclaimer. This may be a long read, and I apologize.

A little context. Her [30f] and I [26m] first started talking about a year ago and started dating in May. We met on Fetlife. She has already told me that she is bi and wants to have sex with another woman or a couple or have a threesome with another guy. I gave her an immediate no to a couple or another guy because I hate the idea of seeing another man having sex with my gf, also the fact that most of my relationships prior I have been cheated on. The thought makes me fucking sick. Even with another woman, it's a thin line. She has told me that she can't really be friends with a certain couple because of that, and it made me feel like a jerk, but I stand by how I feel about those things. Anyway.

Here are some points that make me suspicious. Recently, she said she found a woman who would be willing to fool around, but it was the only time she brought it up and hasn't mentioned anything since. When I was away for train for my new job I decided I was going to delete my fet since her and I were dating, yet I found that she liked some guys dick pic on fet in the city we live in. I decided to keep fet and stupidly didn't confront her about it because I needed to focus on training, i looked when i came back and found that the like was gone. She also hides her phones screen from me, and when I can get a look, she always has unopened snaps or messages. I once grabbed her phone from her housecoat pocket, just becauseit was about to fall out, and immediately she snatched it out of my hand and then said no thank you. Sometimes, lately, when I try to go down on her or finger her she pushes me away and again says no thank you, making me feel like garbage and makes me think I'm not good enough. She has also told me that she has videos of her ex fingering her to the point of a squirting orgasm and said I could learn off it. That really made me feel like a fucking idiot and trash. Sex has started to become more rare. As of today, she updated her fets heading saying "always keep them guessing." What the fuck does that mean? I want to call her out on that as well. There are also times when I was for a few hours for her to reply to my messages. I have asked her multiple times to say good morning/goodbye when I say it, but I either get hearts or "sleep sweet." Lots of times when I say I love you, she ignores it and doesn't say it back while texting. In person, it seems hard for her to say properly sometimes unless I've helped her with something, or done something for her, or be there for her when she's upset. I do feel she loves me, but it's starting to feel less than before. She also keeps saying she wants someone to save her. Yet when I say I'm here for her, she kind of brushes it off and keeps going on a rant of "how bad her life is." Makes me feel like garbage. Yet when she's done being upset, she tells me I'm amazing and tells me I do so well dealing with her. When I bring up how I feel about things between us, she gets defensive and upset, so I have to say sorry. Then I just keep my mouth shut. There are probably more points, but I can't think of them at this moment.

I feel so lost. I bend over backwards for her and keep trying my best to help her or make things better for her. But I feel like I'm just being used again. I hate saying all of this, but I just can't shake the feeling. Maybe it's just my past trauma that has me thinking like this, or maybe I'm right. I dont know...