Hello! I just had the most magical wedding but I have the expected drama from my parents to report and seek advice on. Luckily (for now) I don't feel that it took away too much from the weekend because I'm happy with the way I managed it while it unraveled. Now that I'm back to reality I want to be prepared for dealing with them. Mostly my BPD mom.

So my parents weren't involved in our destination wedding planning and throughout the process it did upset me that my mom wasn't as excited as other moms of friends about her only daughter's wedding. A month before the wedding, I learned from my brother that my parents weren't actually planning on going because someone needed to be home to be caretaker for a family member and they decided (without telling me) that they'd volunteer to do it while my brother, who is primary caretaker, takes a break and goes. Fast forward to them learning about how parents actually play roles in a wedding (immigrant parents who haven't been to many weddings I guess), plus my brother encouraging them to go (even after he spent nearly $1k on nonrefundable tickets), and they decide to make the trip out. They already very recently had COVID so that concern was ruled out. They were 2 of the only 3 people of 50 who chose to skip the welcome event until I convinced them to come earlier. They were very nonchalant about the whole thing the entire planning process and event.

Fast forward to when, during the weekend, I had to ask my mom to do us a favor and lend us $1500 in cash to pay our vendors because we had cash withdrawal limits. She does the favor and insists that we take it as a wedding gift. My parents are working class so I fully intended to pay it back regardless.

Then, on wedding day, they're 30 mins late even though I gave explicit instructions and told only the two them an earlier time. So they rushed over after I called them many times (meanwhile vendor #2 is also late and delaying the entire thing) and stressed they needed to get there ASAP for photos. I forgot to give them each a small gift because of the frenzy - I feel like this might have changed the series of events that ensued. I really wanted us to have some time together amidst the other things stressing me out that day because I knew I wouldn't have much time to give later.

Everyone gives their speeches, including my dad who says less than 20 words "Thanks for coming. I hope you're having a good night, I know I am. Enjoy your dinner" and my mom backs out of her speech (expected and I truly didn't care because they aren't public speakers). Husband's mom gives her loving speech dedicated to us, husband gives his speech, with a few special words for his mom (it was very sweet). I give my very short one that I wrote earlier that day, thanking my parents, his parents, and everyone who came out.

During the wedding reception I sat my parents with one of my best friends parents who I've known and bonded with since highschool. I consider my friend's mom a mentor and friend as well. She's in the same field of work and has always cheered me on over the past 10 years and told me (and anyone who would listen) how proud she is of me. This is what she told happened at the reception: She tells my mom about how much she loves me, is proud of me, how happy she is for my husband and I, etc. My mom ends up somehow trash talking my husband and complains about "how much I've changed" since I started dating him. My husband and I have been together for 10 years - we started dating when I was at 20 years old. So naturally, of course I have changed in the last 10 years. My friend/mentor actually tells my mom that she should probably leave if she's going to say upsetting things about us on our night (totally agreed with that statement).

Anyway, during the dancing, I notice my husband is gone for way too long and my maid I honor talking to my planner in the corner looking all serious. I go over and my friend doesn't want to tell me, insisting there's nothing to worry about. Then I get it out of her that my husband is talking to my parents. I find them, see my mom in an emotional rant, dad every now and then agreeing with her (enabling) and my husband listening trying to identify what set her off.

At this point, we had been incredibly stressed for the past two weeks, running on very little sleep, doing endless calculations and crafts and answering questions...and it was finally our day, when she decides that something (I still don't know what) was a personal attack against her. So when I find the 3 of them talking, I don't acknowledge my parents and I tell my husband "we're not doing this right now. We spent way too much time and planning and money on this night to waste time doing this" and I walk back to the party and continue dancing. They're the first to leave. Texted her twice to see if she got back ok - no response, as expected.

No clue what it was nor do I care to discuss. My husband wasn't able to get any answers - she was taking in contradictory circles and none of it made sense to him. This was his first time hearing what I've heard over a lifetime so he was bewildered.

I hate that I have to waste more time involuntarily wondering what set her off than actually treasuring the memories with people who wanted to be there. I will ask for her banking info and pay her back. I'm over this behavior but I don't want her thinking I don't give a shit that she caused a scene at my wedding, trash talked my husband on our night, and deprived him of precious moments that could have been happy during our wedding.