Hey everyone,

I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for from this post. Maybe I just need to write stuff down to get it out of my head. Maybe I'm looking for reassurance. I don't really know.

My mother is the quintessential definition of BPD. Nothing is ever her fault, she's always right, we need to involve her in everything, yadda yadda, y'all know how it goes. This past Christmas, I get a call from my brother that my mom is in the hospital. At first I didn't think much of it because she has a bunch of medical issues and is at the doctors frequently, but then he drops the ball that she's non-responsive. My step-dad found her in the morning, unable to wake her up, completely comatose. After a very long day of waiting and speculating, she ended up being okay. There is a lot more to this part of the story involving a doctor screw up and over prescribing of narcotics but I'll omit that for now. (Spoiler: my mother is also addicted to pain killers). I'm fairly certain that this event destroyed even more of her brain and cemented her BPD symptoms even further, if that makes any sense at all. (Pure speculation, but it would seem to make sense to me)

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I take a trip out of state, during which I get a phone call of her berating me for not telling her because "what if the plane crashed and we didn't know where you were!?" despite the fact that I had told her at Christmas and I was texting my brother the entire time I was on the flight and he knew as well. I chalked this up to her BPD nonsense and carried on with the trip. The following day she starts blowing up a group text with my siblings and I over one of the most non-sensical guilt trips to date; accusing us of demanding things from her, not appreciating all of her sacrifices in bringing us up, listing out things that, you know, a parent does, as being extraordinary.

My siblings and I decided enough was enough and blocked her on every platform we could think of, and instructed all of our partners, in-laws, etc to do the same. Since then, she has decided that she is going to ignore the boundary we explicitly set after demanding we give her special treatment simply for her being our mother, and has contacted partners, extended family, you name it, to try to get a hold of us. She even went so far as to send my sister a voice message through their linked Alexa devices to berate her.

Every day is a flip flop of "I'm so sorry" "I'm working on myself" back to "How dare you do this to me" "This is unacceptable" "This is so unfair" etc. All of it just lands hollow. I talked to my therapist about all of this and I got a little teary eyed but that was mostly just because I felt bad for my sister, as her and my mother were really close and she took the brunt of the abuse for so long.

I have no desire to rebuild a relationship with her. She has burned any sense of love and connection that might have once been there after a very long, slow burn, leading up to all of this. I very vividly remember a conversation I had with her when I was in high school about her always playing the victim and not wanting to do anything for herself and just getting waited on constantly. I remember looking her dead in the eyes, through tears, as a 16 year old saying "I want my mom back" - and I never did. I ended my last session with my therapist on a question of "Are you feeling apathy? Or is this acceptance?" and I honestly don't know.

There are a few other things going on in my life that are IMMENSELY stressful right now, but I know are only temporary and I just need to grind a little more to get through them, so while I acknowledge that they're likely contributing, they're not the only thing that I'm feeling. I'm writing this at almost midnight on a Friday because I was getting overwhelmed by just playing video games during what little free time I currently have. I tried to lay down to go to sleep and get some extra rest but all of this just keeps circling in my mind.

I know we did the right thing, I have no regrets about going NC, I'm just annoyed that she is still continuing to try to harass us over this. There's no acceptance of her doing anything wrong beyond her shallow "I'm working on myself" statements. Unless she goes to rehab for her narcotics issues and to get a hold of her BPD, I don't trust anything that she might say or do.

I guess what I really want to know is - what do I do now? I feel like she died and I'm just being haunted by the ghost of her BPD. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. I don't miss her, and maybe I feel guilty for that, I don't know.

Any advice anyone might have would be appreciated. This is the end of my wall of text and thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Required cat dump: https://imgur.com/gallery/Jfni3