I know no one can possibly answer the question in the title without actually meeting my mother, but I'm hoping I might have enough in common with this community to find some people to relate to about this.

For as long as I can remember, my parents' marriage has been defined by my mother's resentment and begrudging, twisted hatred/love for my dad. For years, her life and their daily interactions have been ruled by her insistence that he "ruined her chance at the career she always wanted," a claim that as I grew up I at first did not understand, then vaguely believed, and finally began to question and then to reject outright as I learned about how adult relationships and careers actually work.

I have several siblings, and we all have a lot of conflicted feelings about our mom and our experiences growing up. However, overall I feel like between the genuine love that I believe our mom did feel for us, and the mentally healthy behavior of my dad, we had a much better childhood than many and we are all doing okay. The problem is that now we have all grown up and moved out; most of us are reluctant to visit home very often; and now my dad is alone with my mom. Before we left, she threatened repeatedly and in front of us that she would leave him as soon as we had all left home, something we thought would be really good for both of them. Years later, they are still together.

In the years since I left home, here are just a few of the things she has done:

• Wrote an article for a local newspaper that, under the guise of being a piece about family life, called my dad a bad husband and insinuated that he is a philanderer.
• Yelled at him and accused him of trying to turn her children against her when he talked on the phone to us in her absence. None of us can now call home without talking to both of them simultaneously.
• Wrote him daily, pages-long emails about what a terrible husband and father he is.
• After he developed a serious medical condition, insisted on controlling his daily behaviors (e.g. eating, exercise) as her only way of caring for him and showing support.
• Verbally punished him for receiving any positive attention for his career or personal accomplishments.

In the last few days, my dad contacted us to give us some very good news about the effectiveness of his course of treatment (one that is very unpleasant and long-term) for his medical condition. He asked that we not discuss this with our mom, because when he shared the news with her, she reacted very negatively and used it at an opportunity to explain how unfair it is that he receives more attention than she does on family occasions. Just a few hours later, he wrote us again to apologize for that first communication, saying that it was unfair and attention-seeking and he should not have written it, and it did not take into account my mom's problems and needs.

This makes me so sad. He is a great person and a great father, and I hate that he is spending the final years of his life with someone who emotionally abuses him daily. I hate that I feel like I can't do anything about it. I hate that I can't risk doing anything to anger or alienate my mother, because I know it will backfire on him and maybe cut off part of what support system he does have in his children. I hate watching his personality and his belief in himself disappearing more and more, especially now that he doesn't have anyone at home to help him distinguish reality and normal feelings from gaslighting and guilt trips.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading all this and sorry it's so long :-/