Just now I got to the deepest recesses of her BPD brain. I’ve lived under the assumption that her childhood was awful, she went through life unhealed and now we’re here. But in tonight’s argument that started because I calmly wanted to explain to her why I’m so frustrated with her (my cousin left after a year of basically squatting in our house which was torture for me) she admitted that she thinks our relationship has been messed up for years because (I hope you’re sitting down) because of a CHILD. What child I don’t know but some girl I went to school with. Pressed further she says it’s because I was “a follower.”

I’m BLOWN AWAY. This lady has been harboring resentment for AT LEAST 10 years (I’m 26 and haven’t been in compulsory school for a long time). She won’t say WHICH child though. When I told her that it was ridiculous that she had issues with a CHILD, she threw back in my face that I have issues with a child too. I do, my cousin who bullied me for years WHEN WE WERE BOTH CHILDREN. But here she is a full grown adult who thinks our relationship was ruined by a child.

She ALSO thinks that I sat crying to my dad at age eight about wanting to kill myself because I was putting on a performance and trying not to do my homework? Yeah…eight year olds totallyyyyy do that. Throw a tantrum? Sure. But physically go get a knife from the kitchen and try (a butter knife cause they were the only knives I had easy access to so nothing ever happened) putting on a PERFORMANCE? And if that was the case, I needed to be acting for DISNEY and bringing in some MONEY.

The original issue literally was just mostly: you created a shitty situation for me, I endured it with grace with you in mind, I would like to have a relationship with you but you need to try. She argued that she was trying, I said it didn’t feel that way. Many tangents were gone off that I feel like I’ve cared for her my whole life (but of course she did it MORE when she was a kid and therefore me having to care for her at all was ok), that I should clean up the house that looks like hoarders even though 90% of my mess is confined to my room and I’ve cleaned several times and each time I find mail and bills from 1995 or products that expired over a decade ago. But she blames A CHILD and by extension ME for being a follower. I hardly had any friends as a kid. I had my first REAL friend as a teenager, and she had and has an excellent relationship with her mom. So I doubt that was the breakdown.

I’m so sorry for posting twice today, I’m just taken aback.

UPDATE: She just grabbed her purse and left as I was talking to my dad without telling us where she was going. Which is almost an exact play by play for the most hurtful thing she’s ever done to me. I think she thinks I was manipulating my dad. I was talking about my scores on the trauma test and how people don’t expect military veterans to be ok but I am even though we scored the same on the test. It’s important to note that the bulk of the trauma is unrelated to my mom actually and I told my dad as much.