For the past few weeks she’s been…incredible. The mother I’ve always wanted. During this time my Guinea pig died and she was supportive and loving, she was happy to give me space if I needed it and wasn’t overbearing, she was kind to me, she listened to me etc. Literally all the things. I thought maybe the therapy was working or my dad was able to get through to her or my absence from the house made her realize she needed to shape up or I would ship out. But today marks the return to her “normal.” And I’m beyond bummed. I was so hopeful that I would have a real mother not just an energy vampire. I’m also kind of in shock. I guess it’s my own fault for getting too excited.

And obviously I’m sitting here analyzing what I SHOULD’VE done to prevent this: texted her more while I was at my bfs house (well wait a minute she had a migraine and I didn’t want to bother her plus I was having a great time. Why didn’t she text me more?), came home earlier (our cousins presence in my home makes me uncomfortable and she’s there all day Monday-Wednesday, I was sick on Tuesday & again I was having a great time), more cheerfully made her the cup of tea she requested this morning (wait a minute I’m having some frustrating IBS symptoms & hardly wanted to get out of bed or make my OWN cup of tea), When she asked what I was making for dinner tonight instead of just saying nothing I could’ve said more and explained myself (I really had to pee and was in the middle of a study sesh and I’ve got two classes that are only 8 weeks long with TONS of material, and one class I’m VERY behind in).

When she’s ALWAYS waify. ALWAYS on her nobody cares about me everyone is ignoring me (yes mother everyone else has a life outside of you how very surprising and very terrible!) I can handle it because I know what I’m walking into, but last I saw her she was normal. Maybe that’s what gave me the latitude and confidence to let go this week and enjoy myself. Clearly I shouldn’t have. I should’ve known it was coming when I was telling my parents last night about a job interview I had this week and she was silent but kept making faces. I should’ve known then that the real her was about to make an appearance. The fact that she can’t even hide her disdain for me actively WANTING to get a part time retail job in the midst of all that’s going on in my life (mental illness, school, trying to cosplay being a human etc) spoke volumes. I feel silly for ignoring it then only to be blindsided today.