On paper/at a rational level, I really dislike the concept of the heads-up policy (which I'm defining here as needing to check in with, seek permission from, or otherwise inform an existing partner before having sex with someone new). I'm solo and it's always smacked of couples privilege to me, and at a more personal level I've been on the receiving end of vicious anger as a result of a heads-up policy that I didn't know existed.

However! I have RSD as part of my ADHD, and a trigger for it is feeling like I've been forgotten or replaced, so sometimes it can be upsetting to me to learn out of the blue that a partner has a new person or that they slept with someone new. I recognise that it's on me to work on that, not for my partners to change their behaviour. I'm wondering how much information is reasonable to ask for, and what are some ways others might manage these emotions in themselves?

In some ways this is hypothetical anyway as I only have casual partners right now anyway. But I recently came out of a more serious relationship where, in retrospect, I realise things weren't handled well, so I am working on futureproofing myself a bit. :D

Thanks, friends!

EDIT: thank you so much to everyone for sharing their wisdom. I’m beginning to realise this is less about the policy itself and more about the level of trust and the people involved. You are all awesome.