My partner (we’re ENM) is about to start dating two new people who I find deeply unattractive and I’m ashamed to say that the thought of her sleeping with them is giving me the ick. I know this is deeply problematic. Intellectually I know that she should be (and is) free to sleep with whoever she chooses, and that should be fine. It’s her sleeping with them, not me, but my involuntary reaction when I think of them sleeping together is on of being low-key grossed out, and when I’m thinking of them doing it, I’m less attracted to my partner, and in the short time afterwards. They haven’t started sleeping together yet, but I’m worried that the cumulative effect of them seeing each other regularly might have a more permanent effect on reducing my desire for her in the long-term.

Conversely, when I think of her sleeping with people I think are hot, it really turns me on and turns up my desire for her. I’m not insecure about her leaving me for one of them, we’re building our lives together and have complete trust in her on that front, it’s it just that I’m concerned about my feelings for her being affected by this.

I also feel a deep shame over this because clearly there’s a link to a shallow trait I have that I wasn’t aware of before (and which, ironically, I would find being a turn-off in someone else). I know this is internal work I need to do and isn’t the duty of my partner. I haven’t even felt able to talk to her about it because I fear she would judge me for being a shallow asshole and be turned off me, even though my concern is just that I want to safeguard my desire for her. HELP!